logsinthenight | Losing Family [Catch-all Log

Entry tags:

Losing Family [Catch-all Log - Open]

characters: Bucky/Soldat and OPEN
location: Aziraphale and Crowley's house, around Beacon, the church, etc
date/time: First half of March, up to the Wild Heart event
content: Soldat lost some really important people and is reacting poorly
warnings: Excessive sadness, a temper tantrum at one point, varying levels of ability to actually verbalize, and the usual disassociation for a Soldat post

I. Ferry Fears (Open)

It's normal to visit the ferry on the day it arrives. Soldat always helps unload, and this month they have things they badly want, anyway. They frown at the smell wafting off the lake as the ferry drifts up through the melting ice. They know that smell-- they know it very well. Why does the ferry smell like weeks-old dead bodies?

Well, that's a question quickly answered. Leaping on board even before the ferry docks-- thanks, superserum!-- Soldat is faced with... actual weeks-old dead bodies! What a surprise. They crouch to investigate them, because of course they do, looking for signs of cause of death, alert for potential danger still on board. And that facial structure and rotting clothing is... familiar. That curl of blonde hair. That--

"--holy shitting fuck," Soldat whines, scrambling back with a start. That would be the decaying body of one Misty Day, right there. But they saw her just this morning. She's fine. They, uh, dash out a quick text message to her on their tablet (Misty please tell me you are okay) and then pick themselves up. Gingerly. And start looking at more bodies, giving that one a wide berth but keeping it in the corner of their eye anyway. Other bodies reveal themselves to be other friends, including a Crowley and Aziraphale, and, wedged into a corner of one cabin room, their own rotting corpse-- metal arm still shiny and undecayed because the damn thing doesn't even rust.

"What the fuck," they mutter to themselves, before finally, warily getting busy hauling getting supplies off the boat. Maybe a little more quickly than usual. They wanna see people's faces in person, after this.

II. Frantic Searching (Open)

Only there are a few faces missing. Aziraphale is nowhere to be found (again) and Crowley is missing from his bed and Mewtwo is not at the armory. Soldat checks in with the others-- Sora, Misty, Ellever, anyone they actually know and find comfortable to talk with actually-- with one of the questions: "Have you seen Crowley? Tall, copper hair, kind of an asshole?" "Have you seen Aziraphale? Kind of round, white curls, awful bowtie?" "Have you seen a tall blue cat-like person that floats and talks in your head?"

Even after the weekly bulletin with Lucius and Aziraphale confirmed in the obituaries, that doesn't mean they're not coming back. Right? And Aziraphale will be pissed as hell if Soldat managed to lose Crowley hours after his untimely demise. So they keep looking, keep asking around, keep checking the various outlying buildings and holding up their lantern fully unshuttered to the dark woods in search of a glimpse, an echo of a voice, a goddamn scent of Crowley or Mewtwo. (Fully unshuttered means anybody passing by can catch a glimpse of that little green crack, too, for those inclined to be nosy and who might know what that means.)

III. Church Vigils (Open)

When the search falls short after a few days, Soldat's routine changes. Patrols are cut a little short. Visits to handlers are brief, a quick assurance for Misty and dropping off a meal for Javert. Lunches or dinners at the Invincible are made to go. Meals, network scrolling, and weapon maintenance all take place in the church, a pew near the back, while Soldat waits for Aziraphale. And maybe Crowley. And maybe Mewtwo. Maybe even Lucius.

After the first week, it's Crowley and maybe Mewtwo. And a fixed, carefully neutral expression. They go through two notebooks, writing not memories of before they died, but memories of a former handler and technician. Those are precious, too.

IV. Rattling Around the House (Semi-open, close CR only)

Four hours twice a day are set aside for sleep. Mostly, in the empty house, Soldat does not in fact sleep. They pace around. They make little armies of origami animals. They cook mounds of food and plow through it without tasting it, to make up for the nervous energy and the lack of sleeping.

They can be found here during the two four-hour segments of the day they normally sleep, if anyone wants to come by. Only close friends get an answer at the door, though. People Soldat doesn't feel comfortable being nervous and only partially verbal around don't get to come in.

V. Packing Up (Semi-open, close CR only)

After the second week of church vigils, Soldat stops going. Because no one stays dead that long unless they really are dead. After that, patrols and handler visits don't happen at all for about three days. One of those days is spent out in the woods behind the village punching trees and making a big, noisy fuss outside of the immediate earshot of anyone who might worry. One is spent in blank moroseness, locked up in the house, out of energy to make a fuss.

The third day is spent slowly packing up all the personal things that belonged to Crowley, Aziraphale, and themselves. (Including a weird-ass little ghost thing that seems to like being petted on top of the head and occasionally followed them around the house during their pacing. It's kind of cute, and it used to be Crowley's, so apparently Soldat is looking after it now.) Friends can come in this day, too, if they want to help in the packing.

Packing complete, Soldat starts sadly carrying armfuls of things to Misty's cabin or back to the general store.

VI. Back to Normal? (Open)

After that, things even out. Soldat is staying at Misty's house now, though the torch remains in front of Aziraphale and Crowley's house since she has her own. Their routine resumes, exactly as if they never stopped it. Patrols are on time and thorough, meals happen actually at the Invincible, they return to practicing at the gymnasium on days when there's no combat classes, and they actually sleep again.

Still kind of quiet, though, with little casual conversation and no singing under their breath, and there's been no catching various friends with a song and a dance like had maybe seemed like it was becoming a thing now and then. Soldat's going to be a while actually getting back to happy, sorry friends, but they never turn down company.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

All good. He's starting to get the hang of not needing approval for things.

A wry sort of tug to his mouth. Gee, they really have him read, don't they? "Thanks. But what if I just want to make sure you're not alone?"

Sorry, kiddo, you're pretty clear about not really enjoying reading that much. In this case, Soldat doesn't blame ya. It's going to be Azirapale's books and paper which, given Aziraphale himself, are probably going to be super boring and/or difficult to sift through, anyway. "Then bring me lunch. But you don't have to help. Or stay. I'll be fine."

Fine, huh. Sora shoves some food in his mouth, chewing slowly. (He's trying this reading thing, okay? If the Librarian wants him to read and all of his friends here are, like, smart and stuff, reading's the least he can do to keep up.)

"I'll bring you lunch. And music. We can dance if you get tired of sitting down. I haven't made you listen to Beyoncé yet." Sora looks into his bowl. "Will that help?"

"Not sure if I'll be in the mood for dancing." It's a nice thought, but nope, not gonna be feeling like dancing when sorting through their not-quite-acknowledge'd family's belongings. "But music is good. What's Beyonce?"

"You are forgiven, child, you're innocent," Sora deadpans like a priest at confessional. "The queen of pop in 2016." Everything she does is perfect. He is absolutely going to go into her post 2016 career just to prep for this.

Anyway. "Then I'll be over. I'll bring music and work and stuff. You won't be alone. Okay?"

"I died in 2014. So I wouldn't have known even if I wasn't a murder machine," Soldat says with a nod, and finally have another bite of their dinner. Still mechanical, still not quite like they're tasting it, but at least eating again.

Then: "Thank you, kid. You're a good friend." All the people checking on them... just because they're sad. It's crazy. It's unbelievable. They like it, but it sometimes just feels like they're dreaming. That surely all these people have some ulterior motive, somehow.

"She's been around since I was born!" Sora actually doesn't know much about Destiny's Child, but he's here and has plenty of time to do research on Queen Bey. He knows that there's a song there they'll like. She's been around too long to not make something that they wouldn't dig.

Still... Sora scratches his face. Man, that's too much. "I just wish I could do more." The thought of feeling their feelings for them comes to mind, but he remembers the horror with which they reacted when he mentioned feeling Skyler's and Roxas' feelings for them. He decides to just leave it? Even if he could handle it. Even if that's what he does.

Anyway, those are their feelings. They belong to them, and Sora shouldn't take that from them. Feelings help you change and grow. Sora wants that for them.

"You'd do the same for me. And even if you wouldn't... I care about you a lot. I want you to be okay."

It's not what you do anymore, Sora. Worry about your own feelings. You've got plenty all on your own without taking on someone else's. And they might not be great feelings, but Soldat definitely wants to keep them-- for that same reason. They're theirs.

Sora does get a warmer sort of look. "I know. You do plenty. Honestly. More than anyone's really ever done." The people of Beacon are pretty great, honestly. Sora, Misty, Crowley and Aziraphale when they were here... Ellever, Javert, Eleven. Fjord and Quentin and Daylight. Just... so many good people, who all seem to care so much. About them. Why.

HmmmMMMmmMMMmmMMMmmmmm. Sora will think about that whole taking care of himself thing, as against his M.O. as it is. That little brain of his is sure doing some work!

Sora shakes his head. He doesn't do much. "If that's true, we gotta step up. You deserve more than me camping out with you and eating your food. We gotta find more ways to make you smile, man." Ways to make the sadness easier. Sora's not completely delusional, he knows the sadness won't go away, but he'll fight it anyhow.

No, they don't. Not really. But they're not dumb, either, and can already see the argument that would come from that if they said it out loud.

Instead, they duck their head, a little embarrassed. "Already smile more than I used to. A lot more." You didn't see them when they first got here. No smiles for weeks. Hardly remembered how. And now look at 'em: almost all the time, there's actual expression there, even if sometimes it's subtle.

Sora makes a face and leans his head from side to side. "It's good. It's really good." And that doesn't really need a qualifier. They're a full, whole person right now, and that's good. Sora's always aiming for a little better, though. Only the best for his friends.

"I'm not asking more 'cause it's required or anything. I just want to." Sora scrapes the last of his bowl of pasta into his mouth. "Maybe it's because the gummi ship ran on smiling faces?"

"You don't gotta explain. I understand." They get wanting friends to smile. It makes them a little guilty that they can't muster up much of one right now, and haven't really much since Aziraphale and Crowley left. But not guilty enough to really do much to fix it. What could they even do, anyway? They can fake feeling nothing, but how do you fake a smile?

(Feel like we used to know how. Probably back when smiling was actually easy. Mission. No mission right now, Asset. No. Mission. Christ, just shut up. No.)

Soldat sighs, but finishes up their own dinner.

Sora's not particularly good at faking a smile, but man, no one has him beat when it comes to forcing one.

"You should try slowing down, next time. Your cooking's pretty good, especially if you stop to taste it." Sora pauses. He wants to cook for them sometime. Maybe that'll be something he does more often.

"And you don't have to smile until then." He nods. He... actually really does want things to be okay, but he's starting to not only understand that the world often isn't okay, but that his happiness doesn't necessarily have to hinge on it. It's hard, though. At some level, he wants that level of control.

Weird thought to have. He shakes his head. "I got the dishes."

Aw, Sora. At least Soldat would understand. Why else do you think they're so strict about routine? Well, one reason, anyway. Something they can control is better than nothing. They consider protesting Sora taking the dishes, for a beat. It'd be something to do with their hands. It'd be easier to keep moving.

They give themselves a little shake, and push the empty bowl in Sora's direction. Sora might need something to do with his hands, too. "It's okay. I'm just making sure I eat."

Please, Sora would love to do more if only for the illusion that he's taking care of someone else. Sora happily takes the second bowl and the pot off the stove as well and puts them in the sink. He fills his own with hot water and puts the ice chunk in it. Hey, defrosting and letting it soak! Double duty.

"Which is good too. More to life than that, though." Sora wrinkles his nose. "Okay, when I say life, I mean like, how we spend our time walking around and talking to people and trying to have a good time and not the actually being alive thing, okay?" It's a little like his name - it's just getting kind of stupid trying to be picky about the definitions. Might as well roll with what feels true.

Yeah, okay, there's almost a smile there. A sad one, but still. "I understood. And there is. I know. There will be." When Aziraphale and Crowley come back. Or... the other thing. And they find some way to stop focusing on them being gone and get back to all those other things in their un-life.

They slide off the chair and drift over to the coffee table, where they left their tablet. Sora had said music. And there's other things to be done with one's hands than just wash dishes. Might as well have some while they sharpen some knives.

Of course, given the mood and the person making the choice, they go for something from their own time, that runs kind of sad. More slow jazz vocals automatically follow this one if Sora doesn't commandeer the music selection.

Will Sora commandeer the song choices, is the question. He wants them to have their jams, but like, man... sometimes you gotta save a pal from their sad song marathon. Like, it's not even a matter of whether he relates or not - he does, totally - but he knows that at some point he personally needs a break. And if they can't do it themselves, Sora's going to do it!

He's gonna grab a dish cloth, drag the soldier's tablet to him, Upbeat, but a little laid-back and melancholy. It's not really relevant to anything, he just needs a tiny change of pace.

The little twist of metal's long dried, so Sora's going to fiddle with it for another minute, testing its strength, before nodding and heading back to his backpack. He won't mind if the music's different when he gets back.

By the time Sora gets over to change the music, Soldat's finished the first knife and is on to the second, but they pause at the new tune to listen. ... huh. That's pretty great, actually. They collect the tablet to look for more by that artist in Songbird, and come up with this not exactly upbeat number, but it's pretty.

Back to knives. They're content to just sit quietly and work on their separate things together for a while, until Sora's ready for bed.

Sora's never heard this song, actually, or at least if he has, he's never given it much thought. He's bringing back his journal, and opens it up, spreads out his work. There are some memories getting written down, some drafts for some letters. He'll put those aside though, and spread a couple of reports on the table. The "Real" Organization. Ansem Code Conspectus, Excerpt 1.

And he'll start taking notes on those - marking down which reports he needs to get from Pluto next, a list of resources he has to trade. Some things he's starting to think he'll need for the transfer. "Power of Awakening." "Perfect memory." "People to show the way home."

But he does get distracted by the song, man. He's never listened to it before. Not really. "It's just a break-up, isn't it," he says out of the blue. "Just a really sad, messy break-up. Right?"

Edited (THERE WAS A WHOLE THOUGHT HERE I MISSED.) 2020-03-14 09:49 (UTC)

Soldat pauses with knife on whetstone, frowns at the tablet, then starts the song over. They have a tendency to not pay close attention to the lyrics of things. "I don't think so," they say after moment of listening, holding a knife but not working on sharpening it, so the noise won't distract from the words. "Grief, maybe."

"Oh. You think?" Despite where they are, that definitely wasn't the first thought that sprung to mind. Sora thinks about it again, picking over the words. Maybe it was the last few lines in the last verse that got him? Or that second verse. The feeling of someone leaving and then suddenly being a totally different person. No one to define him anymore.

Then again, grief is a slightly flexible word. (Sora thinks. Maybe. Hey, he's the one who keeps insisting they're alive here, right?) And Soldat is well within their rights to attribute that to the present.

A heart, a soul, and a body. That's what people are made of, where Sora's from. He goes back to his work. "Do you feel like he gets it? Grieving." And for that matter, it's kind of heartening to know that Soldat can pick out these things.

It just feels so permanent. Who would get so worried about their soul over a romantic break-up? But if someone was gone forever... someone important, who helped you be better... that seems much more worth singing about your soul. "Maybe. There's other songs that are better about it, but. I do like this one. He has a. Really pleasant voice."

Really, emoting through music choices is something Soldat's had actual practice in. They let this one keep playing, but search through their own folders of recorded music to find another good one for Sora. This one's a little more upbeat, but that doesn't seem to detract from the emotion any.

Oof. Not a romantic relationship. But. Sora's got a thought or two about breaking things off with someone who defined... well. A lot of his soul. Or what's left of it, anyway.

Sora's gotten a lot of mileage out of the idea that they're not really dead in a way that matters. Just very far away from home, with no way to get back. On the other side of the coin, though... if you break things off with someone and intend to never look back, how different is that from death? Other than the finality of the separation, anyway. The phrase "dead to me" exists for a reason, after all.

But, uh. Sora's not sure if he's ready to let that thought out of his head quite yet. "You know, I never got a chance to ask," he says, flipping to a fresh page in his notebook. "Did you ever get more memories from the aurora? Good ones."

Soldat has never intentionally broken a relationship with anyone, that they can recall. Maybe. That One. Did with some of the girls he danced with, but it doesn't seem like they ever really mattered much, from this end of things. The only losses they've ever suffered had been involuntary.

Might be another reason this is so hard for them to deal with.

"Oh. Yeah. Eighteen total, good and bad. Though I smashed two." The ones with Words, like they mentioned last week in the church. They go back to sharpening their knives. "So there's sixteen left. Four from before the war. Three of those were good. One good one from after the war. Which was unexpected. Namine found that one."

Sora would not suggest this experience to them, but he also supposes that it's better than feeling nothing at all! Don't worry, if someone ended up breaking their heart, they'd have Sora to deal with! For what that's worth, anyway; Sora would probably just end up grumpy and emotional for their sake.

A firm nod at the smashing. Same opinion as last week: better off gone. "After?" This seems a bit weird to Sora, and the inclusion of Naminé in the story is a surprise! "Wait, what happened? Did she bring you one?"

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