Losing Family [Catch-all Log - Open]

[worthallthis]

characters: Bucky/Soldat and OPEN
location: Aziraphale and Crowley's house, around Beacon, the church, etc
date/time: First half of March, up to the Wild Heart event
content: Soldat lost some really important people and is reacting poorly
warnings: Excessive sadness, a temper tantrum at one point, varying levels of ability to actually verbalize, and the usual disassociation for a Soldat post


I. Ferry Fears (Open)

It's normal to visit the ferry on the day it arrives. Soldat always helps unload, and this month they have things they badly want, anyway. They frown at the smell wafting off the lake as the ferry drifts up through the melting ice. They know that smell-- they know it very well. Why does the ferry smell like weeks-old dead bodies?

Well, that's a question quickly answered. Leaping on board even before the ferry docks-- thanks, superserum!-- Soldat is faced with... actual weeks-old dead bodies! What a surprise. They crouch to investigate them, because of course they do, looking for signs of cause of death, alert for potential danger still on board. And that facial structure and rotting clothing is... familiar. That curl of blonde hair. That--

"--holy shitting fuck," Soldat whines, scrambling back with a start. That would be the decaying body of one Misty Day, right there. But they saw her just this morning. She's fine. They, uh, dash out a quick text message to her on their tablet (Misty please tell me you are okay) and then pick themselves up. Gingerly. And start looking at more bodies, giving that one a wide berth but keeping it in the corner of their eye anyway. Other bodies reveal themselves to be other friends, including a Crowley and Aziraphale, and, wedged into a corner of one cabin room, their own rotting corpse-- metal arm still shiny and undecayed because the damn thing doesn't even rust.

"What the fuck," they mutter to themselves, before finally, warily getting busy hauling getting supplies off the boat. Maybe a little more quickly than usual. They wanna see people's faces in person, after this.


II. Frantic Searching (Open)

Only there are a few faces missing. Aziraphale is nowhere to be found (again) and Crowley is missing from his bed and Mewtwo is not at the armory. Soldat checks in with the others-- Sora, Misty, Ellever, anyone they actually know and find comfortable to talk with actually-- with one of the questions: "Have you seen Crowley? Tall, copper hair, kind of an asshole?" "Have you seen Aziraphale? Kind of round, white curls, awful bowtie?" "Have you seen a tall blue cat-like person that floats and talks in your head?"

Even after the weekly bulletin with Lucius and Aziraphale confirmed in the obituaries, that doesn't mean they're not coming back. Right? And Aziraphale will be pissed as hell if Soldat managed to lose Crowley hours after his untimely demise. So they keep looking, keep asking around, keep checking the various outlying buildings and holding up their lantern fully unshuttered to the dark woods in search of a glimpse, an echo of a voice, a goddamn scent of Crowley or Mewtwo. (Fully unshuttered means anybody passing by can catch a glimpse of that little green crack, too, for those inclined to be nosy and who might know what that means.)


III. Church Vigils (Open)

When the search falls short after a few days, Soldat's routine changes. Patrols are cut a little short. Visits to handlers are brief, a quick assurance for Misty and dropping off a meal for Javert. Lunches or dinners at the Invincible are made to go. Meals, network scrolling, and weapon maintenance all take place in the church, a pew near the back, while Soldat waits for Aziraphale. And maybe Crowley. And maybe Mewtwo. Maybe even Lucius.

After the first week, it's Crowley and maybe Mewtwo. And a fixed, carefully neutral expression. They go through two notebooks, writing not memories of before they died, but memories of a former handler and technician. Those are precious, too.


IV. Rattling Around the House (Semi-open, close CR only)

Four hours twice a day are set aside for sleep. Mostly, in the empty house, Soldat does not in fact sleep. They pace around. They make little armies of origami animals. They cook mounds of food and plow through it without tasting it, to make up for the nervous energy and the lack of sleeping.

They can be found here during the two four-hour segments of the day they normally sleep, if anyone wants to come by. Only close friends get an answer at the door, though. People Soldat doesn't feel comfortable being nervous and only partially verbal around don't get to come in.


V. Packing Up (Semi-open, close CR only)

After the second week of church vigils, Soldat stops going. Because no one stays dead that long unless they really are dead. After that, patrols and handler visits don't happen at all for about three days. One of those days is spent out in the woods behind the village punching trees and making a big, noisy fuss outside of the immediate earshot of anyone who might worry. One is spent in blank moroseness, locked up in the house, out of energy to make a fuss.

The third day is spent slowly packing up all the personal things that belonged to Crowley, Aziraphale, and themselves. (Including a weird-ass little ghost thing that seems to like being petted on top of the head and occasionally followed them around the house during their pacing. It's kind of cute, and it used to be Crowley's, so apparently Soldat is looking after it now.) Friends can come in this day, too, if they want to help in the packing.

Packing complete, Soldat starts sadly carrying armfuls of things to Misty's cabin or back to the general store.


VI. Back to Normal? (Open)

After that, things even out. Soldat is staying at Misty's house now, though the torch remains in front of Aziraphale and Crowley's house since she has her own. Their routine resumes, exactly as if they never stopped it. Patrols are on time and thorough, meals happen actually at the Invincible, they return to practicing at the gymnasium on days when there's no combat classes, and they actually sleep again.

Still kind of quiet, though, with little casual conversation and no singing under their breath, and there's been no catching various friends with a song and a dance like had maybe seemed like it was becoming a thing now and then. Soldat's going to be a while actually getting back to happy, sorry friends, but they never turn down company.

Comments

[worthallthis]

Probably for the best. Bringing up that name would probably not go over well no matter what kind of mood Soldat is in. "Hope so." Since Sora doesn't know that name. Neither does Ellever. Neither did Aziraphale or Crowley. Misty does, but she claimed to love them before she knew.

"I have another memory stone," they say quietly, rolling this one between their hands. Now that the event is over, it doesn't activate without a fist closed around it, so it's just a small, stone-veined rock, for now. "Those three girls. Older. Teenagers. Told to test them. I didn't remember them, but they remembered me." And it made them ashamed even in the memory, even though they didn't know why, other than nobody should respect a murder machine like them.

[arsarcanum]

Sora figures! Names are very important, after all. They connect people, they're given, they're created as disguises and new identities, they can change people. He understands that. It can wait. Sora can wait forever, if need be. He's kind of a child like that.

Test them, huh. Sora leaves off of his writing, crosses his arms and puts his chin on top of them. "What happened?" It seems like the only thing to ask for. He doesn't want to assume that they remembered what it was like to love their old teacher. Bonds fade. This is something Sora also understands.

[worthallthis]

Soldat makes an attempt at explaining, but words don't come. How do they even explain the way those kids looked at them? How that made them feel ashamed, rather than proud or pleased? How wrong it seemed?

Instead, after a moment of silent frowning at their hands, they go back upstairs to collect the second opal. Like before, they set it on the coffee table for Sora to pick up if he wants to.

[arsarcanum]

Sora pops his head up a little bit to watch them leave, but then goes back to resting on his arms, staring into space a little. Just vibing until Soldat gets back. He figures they'll have an answer, and when they come back and set that stone down, Sora slaps his hand on top right away, confident that this will at least give context.

And it does. At least a bit. "That must have been confusing. No memories, nothing to work with. But something still didn't feel right, right?" Sora isn't saying this like he knows the answer. He doesn't, he's still tossing spare thoughts in the air! No, it's just sort of a... reevaluation. Getting them to walk him through the strange anxiety.

[worthallthis]

They nod quietly. Silently. Nothing ever felt right unless it was the familiar rails: mission prep, mission briefing, gear up, travel to the mission site, kill someone. Even that. Not right. Just... the way it was supposed to be. The way it had to be, in order to be finished and go back to cryo.

"Nothing to admire," is what comes out, staring at their hands, folded between their knees. Still true, ain't it. Couldn't stop Crowley and Aziraphale from dying, from going away. Couldn't stop Scarlett. Couldn't stop hurting Steve until it was too late.

[arsarcanum]

Oh. That's shame, then. Sora feels like he doesn't need to explain that to them. It's more like... Sora thinks for a moment. He has the feeling in his head, but the words aren't coming for either the problem or the solution. They need a way to cope with the fact that they're an unwilling creation that had no greater purpose than to murder and that people they cared for wanted to be like them. Because they admired them. So... guilt.

Sora puts his head down and closes his eyes. He can't relate, not at all. He can't really absolve them of guilt, either. All he can do is feel for them. (In the classical sense, not the other one.)

"You were someone who was there for them when there could have been no one at all. Or just each other." He opens his eyes. In that moment, what they had in that bond was real, Sora thinks. It was fleeting, but how long a bond lives isn't a factor in whether it was real. Or important. "What happened after that was out of your control. They were... planning on that, probably. On them wanting to be like someone who cared about them." Sora's voice goes down to a hush. "Evil people are smart. It's not like they don't know how the heart works. They do. They just don't care about whether they hurt or not. They're tools to them, even though hearts aren't tools. And the way they used those bonds isn't your fault."

[worthallthis]

"So I was just one more method of control." They hadn't even looked at it that way, not really capable of seeing it from that angle from the inside until now, but Sora makes sense. Not only did those kids get someone to teach them who was better than everyone else, they got-- a role model. Something that cared about them, that they could care about back... something that did exactly as it was told.

Soldat stares at the opal in Sora's hand, expressionless. "Sometimes I wish those fuckers from HYDRA were here so I could kill them all again."

[arsarcanum]

Sora puts the rock down and looks back at them. It's not pretty, but Sora's been used like that before. Not in the same way, but it's close. It's getting easier to see how and when it happens, even for a dummy like him.

Sora keeps staring at them levelly. "Me too," he says finally, but it's sad. "They won't stop, will they?"

He knows and is definitely angry about what they've done, and he understands that this is deeply personal to Soldat... but this isn't his fight, so the next best thing he can think of is figure out how to cause the least harm. This is it. This is the least harm. Funny how coming to the same conclusion as Soldat makes him sad.

[worthallthis]

"No. Not unless someone stops them." Like Steve. Except they're afraid Steve is dead. Maybe his flying friend... or the Widow. "Took a big hit the day I died, at least. Made a big play for control, and it failed." They tilt their head a little, collecting the memory stone. "Plus, they lost me. That ain't nothing."

So at the very least, HYDRA's been set back. Steve did that much, by not giving in until he'd completed his mission.

[arsarcanum]

Sora's eyes widen. It's the first time he's heard about Soldat talk about the day they died. The final time, the one that got them here. He supposes that if it was a death that took out a chunk of HYDRA's influence on Bucky's Earth, that's the most anyone could ask for. But.

"Did you connect with anyone in the end? Like, did one of your girls come back? Or someone else?" It just seems lonely if the only good that ever came from the end of their life was... the end of their life.

[worthallthis]

Oh, are you curious, kiddo? Soldat doesn't mind sharing. Well... they mind a little. Because it brings up the guilt. But they'll tell Sora, because it's Sora, and he's loved, and he deserves to know. "Steve," they say, voice low. "He changed. Got strong. Survived somehow into 2014. He stopped HYDRA, destroyed the carriers I was protecting. And then he. Let me try to kill him. Might have done it, I don't know."

[arsarcanum]

"I - what?" That seems as impossible as the soldier surviving that long. He counts on his fingers, shaking his head. He wonders if they were both ageless? Something about the serums, and the cryo. He wonders if Steve had been through the same thing, somehow, except for good. He kind of wants to hope it wasn't on purpose. He knows good can be cruel too.

"... He came back for you." And then they might have hurt him. And it wouldn't have been their fault. Not really. And then Sora isn't really sure what to say to that, because at some level, in the past two months, he may have been under the impression that he'd done the same for Riku here in Beacon as well.

It's not the same thing. (When will it stick? When will the truth finally stick?)

"He loved you." Even without Sora connecting himself to the situation, it's obvious. "Wouldn't have done that if he didn't."

[worthallthis]

"I know." The same as what he'd told Riku last week: the person they'd tried to kill loved them, anyway. In some ways, it's a comfort; in others, it just kind of makes it all the more miserable that Soldat is pretty sure they killed him. "Once he completed his mission. Said he wouldn't fight me, and just let me hit him. I didn't know who he was, then. He was just the target." The stupid target. Who made them angry, and afraid.

[arsarcanum]

Steve's good. Strong. Sora wishes he could be strong like that for Riku. It's... not really the same thing, but it's close enough that it's got him kind of in a way. He thinks he could let Riku beat him up. (He's not sure that that would actually prove anything, though. Confirming the fact that Riku could beat him up and Sora would let him isn't particularly special.)

"You think you mighta died together." Sora curls up over his notes again. He'd do that, too. Has, historically. Would again. (He'd much rather go out first next time.) "You were worth that, even if you didn't know who he was. Or at least, the connection he had in his heart for you told him that. That even if you forgot, he'd remember." That's important. It means that Steve was exactly where he wanted to be.

[worthallthis]

Christ, Sora. Breaking their heart all over again, with all that. Soldat shuts their eyes to keep the burning in them at bay. "I'm not worth that. I ain't worth Steve dying, ever." Steve saved people. Steve beat up bullies, or tried to. Steve cared about everybody. Soldat-- that guy-- only ever just cared about Steve, until it was too late and they couldn't care about anything anymore.

[arsarcanum]

It's been sort of Sora's job in the last however many years he's been around! Listening intently, reflecting what he hears back. Making sure the hero makes it to their goal.

"He made that decision about what you were worth for himself, not you." He blinks slowly. "I guess that's kind of the whole point of all this. You can, like... think whatever you want about yourself, but when it comes down to it, other people will see you however they like. What you do shapes how they feel about you, what they think about you, how they act. And if that means that he saw you as... someone who was worth that? Before you realized anything? Then you can't say that you weren't worth that to him anymore. That's just not the truth. You were. You are."

[worthallthis]

If there was a story at play back on those helicarriers, Soldat had been the villain, not the hero. And they're well aware of that. They shoot Sora a look that is somewhere between watery and annoyed. "You do remember I was an assassin, right. I killed a lot of innocent people. A lot. If HYDRA got me back, somehow, I'd probably do it again. Somebody like Steve-- who helps people, does the right thing. Objectively. Tactically. Absolutely. Worth more than that. He was wrong to let himself die for that."

[arsarcanum]

"Okay, so there's like." Sora scratches the back of his head. This isn't about winning a fight, this is about expressing a big thought that Sora needs Soldat to understand.

(Also, definitely going to internalize the difference between objective importance and subjective importance, here.)

"There's this idea about how valuable you are that you're working with here. Like this sort of... idea that there's a dude somewhere who looks at people and thinks, oh, yeah, that guy's real valuable, guess he's worth, like x plus more to the whole human race or something than this other person over here. Boop. There. Now he's got worth." Sora tilts his head. "Right or wrong?"

[worthallthis]

Sora, you're operating under an entirely different set of assumptions here. Soldat knows what he's getting at, rejects the basic premise, and practically growls, "Not. A. Person. Not the same thing. And even then. There's actual people out there worth absolute garbage. A lot of them come from HYDRA."

[arsarcanum]

Sora narrows his eyes, looking at them. He doesn't want to actually fight about this, and considering the circumstances, it's probably best not to push, even if every single devil's advocate inside of him is jumping up and down, begging for it.

In the end, he just closes his eyes and breathes out, goes back to his notes. "You're right about HYDRA. Back then and now." Sora can't speak for the future, though. It's not his place.

He takes in a breath, holds it, and breathes it out again. It doesn't matter terribly to Sora if Steve was right or wrong, in the end. He died. It's sad and important that he died, but death has no meaning to the dead. It only means something to the living. To Soldat. It seems to matter to Soldat that he was wrong. They hold it close to themselves.

Sora isn't going to deny them that. He made a promise, after all. Soldat is fine exactly like this, and Sora believes it. But. "I just... can't think about people the same way you do. Not all the way, anyway." He's not willing to back down on that point. It's just not something he does. This is something that Sora asked Soldat a long time ago if they were okay with. This conversation is, tangentially, why.

[worthallthis]

When you measure your own worth primarily by what you do, how useful you are, and how much you can do for other people... yeah, it matters more when a good, strong, helpful person dies, than when a brainwashed assassin dies. It's taking a force for good out of the world, which doesn't really wipe out with taking out a force for evil. Maybe eventually they'll be able to see intrinsic worth to a person, to themselves, without weighing their deeds and intentions, but they're not there yet.

They slouch back into the couch, clearly unhappy-- or perhaps clearly "grumpy"-- but don't argue further. "Yeah, I know. And that's fine. Just. I can't."

[arsarcanum]

"Yeah. That's okay too." Sora stays at the kitchen island for about fifteen minutes, finishing up with his lists, then gathers up his things and pads back to the living room after them, sliding his notebook back into his back and then rolling onto the couch next to them bonelessly, his hands coming to a rest on his stomach.

He looks up at them from his position. "I like you a lot. I'm gonna keep getting mad at you a lot, but I'm always gonna like you." Just putting that out there.

[worthallthis]

"We're gonna trip on each other's shit. Because we're different people. It's fine." They unbend enough to swipe a hand over Sora's hair, flattening his bangs down over his eyes. Just because Soldat gets grouchy doesn't change the fundamentals of the two of them. "We're friends until you tell me otherwise, kid."

[arsarcanum]

"Hey!" Sora yelps, squirming and slapping at their hand lightly until they take it away, and then he manages to slap himself in the face. "Jerk," he mutters, rubbing where he slapped himself, but he's smiling the edge right off it. Sora doesn't have any sharp edges to him. Kinda like a frog. Or the sky.

That last little statement manages to cut a bit deeper than Soldat probably intended, but even though Sora could cry about it, he knows he doesn't have to, so he doesn't. It's taken quite a bit of time, but now he can follow the line from where that sentence hurts down to the part of his heart where it connects to him. It hurts because it's important. Because it's real.

"You don't have to be. You can change your mind." A broken heart is a survivable condition. Well, at least for a while, anyway. "I'll keep liking you forever, but you don't have to. It's okay." Forever is something that transcends time and space for Sora. He realizes now that that's an inescapable part of him, and that's okay. It has to be. It's just that forever's a terribly big thing to ask of anyone else. So he won't.

[worthallthis]

Just cuz they love you don't mean they're not still grumpy. So the look Sora gets is clearly impatient and annoyed that he had to even say that. "Don't be an idiot."

Sora has plenty of sharp edges. They all just cut inwards instead of outward.