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logsinthenight2020-03-01 07:54 pm
worthallthis) wrote in logsinthenight2020-03-01 07:54 pm
Losing Family [Catch-all Log - Open]
characters: Bucky/Soldat and OPEN
location: Aziraphale and Crowley's house, around Beacon, the church, etc
date/time: First half of March, up to the Wild Heart event
content: Soldat lost some really important people and is reacting poorly
warnings: Excessive sadness, a temper tantrum at one point, varying levels of ability to actually verbalize, and the usual disassociation for a Soldat post
I. Ferry Fears (Open)
It's normal to visit the ferry on the day it arrives. Soldat always helps unload, and this month they have things they badly want, anyway. They frown at the smell wafting off the lake as the ferry drifts up through the melting ice. They know that smell-- they know it very well. Why does the ferry smell like weeks-old dead bodies?
Well, that's a question quickly answered. Leaping on board even before the ferry docks-- thanks, superserum!-- Soldat is faced with... actual weeks-old dead bodies! What a surprise. They crouch to investigate them, because of course they do, looking for signs of cause of death, alert for potential danger still on board. And that facial structure and rotting clothing is... familiar. That curl of blonde hair. That--
"--holy shitting fuck," Soldat whines, scrambling back with a start. That would be the decaying body of one Misty Day, right there. But they saw her just this morning. She's fine. They, uh, dash out a quick text message to her on their tablet (Misty please tell me you are okay) and then pick themselves up. Gingerly. And start looking at more bodies, giving that one a wide berth but keeping it in the corner of their eye anyway. Other bodies reveal themselves to be other friends, including a Crowley and Aziraphale, and, wedged into a corner of one cabin room, their own rotting corpse-- metal arm still shiny and undecayed because the damn thing doesn't even rust.
"What the fuck," they mutter to themselves, before finally, warily getting busy hauling getting supplies off the boat. Maybe a little more quickly than usual. They wanna see people's faces in person, after this.
II. Frantic Searching (Open)
Only there are a few faces missing. Aziraphale is nowhere to be found (again) and Crowley is missing from his bed and Mewtwo is not at the armory. Soldat checks in with the others-- Sora, Misty, Ellever, anyone they actually know and find comfortable to talk with actually-- with one of the questions: "Have you seen Crowley? Tall, copper hair, kind of an asshole?" "Have you seen Aziraphale? Kind of round, white curls, awful bowtie?" "Have you seen a tall blue cat-like person that floats and talks in your head?"
Even after the weekly bulletin with Lucius and Aziraphale confirmed in the obituaries, that doesn't mean they're not coming back. Right? And Aziraphale will be pissed as hell if Soldat managed to lose Crowley hours after his untimely demise. So they keep looking, keep asking around, keep checking the various outlying buildings and holding up their lantern fully unshuttered to the dark woods in search of a glimpse, an echo of a voice, a goddamn scent of Crowley or Mewtwo. (Fully unshuttered means anybody passing by can catch a glimpse of that little green crack, too, for those inclined to be nosy and who might know what that means.)
III. Church Vigils (Open)
When the search falls short after a few days, Soldat's routine changes. Patrols are cut a little short. Visits to handlers are brief, a quick assurance for Misty and dropping off a meal for Javert. Lunches or dinners at the Invincible are made to go. Meals, network scrolling, and weapon maintenance all take place in the church, a pew near the back, while Soldat waits for Aziraphale. And maybe Crowley. And maybe Mewtwo. Maybe even Lucius.
After the first week, it's Crowley and maybe Mewtwo. And a fixed, carefully neutral expression. They go through two notebooks, writing not memories of before they died, but memories of a former handler and technician. Those are precious, too.
IV. Rattling Around the House (Semi-open, close CR only)
Four hours twice a day are set aside for sleep. Mostly, in the empty house, Soldat does not in fact sleep. They pace around. They make little armies of origami animals. They cook mounds of food and plow through it without tasting it, to make up for the nervous energy and the lack of sleeping.
They can be found here during the two four-hour segments of the day they normally sleep, if anyone wants to come by. Only close friends get an answer at the door, though. People Soldat doesn't feel comfortable being nervous and only partially verbal around don't get to come in.
V. Packing Up (Semi-open, close CR only)
After the second week of church vigils, Soldat stops going. Because no one stays dead that long unless they really are dead. After that, patrols and handler visits don't happen at all for about three days. One of those days is spent out in the woods behind the village punching trees and making a big, noisy fuss outside of the immediate earshot of anyone who might worry. One is spent in blank moroseness, locked up in the house, out of energy to make a fuss.
The third day is spent slowly packing up all the personal things that belonged to Crowley, Aziraphale, and themselves. (Including a weird-ass little ghost thing that seems to like being petted on top of the head and occasionally followed them around the house during their pacing. It's kind of cute, and it used to be Crowley's, so apparently Soldat is looking after it now.) Friends can come in this day, too, if they want to help in the packing.
Packing complete, Soldat starts sadly carrying armfuls of things to Misty's cabin or back to the general store.
VI. Back to Normal? (Open)
After that, things even out. Soldat is staying at Misty's house now, though the torch remains in front of Aziraphale and Crowley's house since she has her own. Their routine resumes, exactly as if they never stopped it. Patrols are on time and thorough, meals happen actually at the Invincible, they return to practicing at the gymnasium on days when there's no combat classes, and they actually sleep again.
Still kind of quiet, though, with little casual conversation and no singing under their breath, and there's been no catching various friends with a song and a dance like had maybe seemed like it was becoming a thing now and then. Soldat's going to be a while actually getting back to happy, sorry friends, but they never turn down company.
location: Aziraphale and Crowley's house, around Beacon, the church, etc
date/time: First half of March, up to the Wild Heart event
content: Soldat lost some really important people and is reacting poorly
warnings: Excessive sadness, a temper tantrum at one point, varying levels of ability to actually verbalize, and the usual disassociation for a Soldat post
I. Ferry Fears (Open)
It's normal to visit the ferry on the day it arrives. Soldat always helps unload, and this month they have things they badly want, anyway. They frown at the smell wafting off the lake as the ferry drifts up through the melting ice. They know that smell-- they know it very well. Why does the ferry smell like weeks-old dead bodies?
Well, that's a question quickly answered. Leaping on board even before the ferry docks-- thanks, superserum!-- Soldat is faced with... actual weeks-old dead bodies! What a surprise. They crouch to investigate them, because of course they do, looking for signs of cause of death, alert for potential danger still on board. And that facial structure and rotting clothing is... familiar. That curl of blonde hair. That--
"--holy shitting fuck," Soldat whines, scrambling back with a start. That would be the decaying body of one Misty Day, right there. But they saw her just this morning. She's fine. They, uh, dash out a quick text message to her on their tablet (Misty please tell me you are okay) and then pick themselves up. Gingerly. And start looking at more bodies, giving that one a wide berth but keeping it in the corner of their eye anyway. Other bodies reveal themselves to be other friends, including a Crowley and Aziraphale, and, wedged into a corner of one cabin room, their own rotting corpse-- metal arm still shiny and undecayed because the damn thing doesn't even rust.
"What the fuck," they mutter to themselves, before finally, warily getting busy hauling getting supplies off the boat. Maybe a little more quickly than usual. They wanna see people's faces in person, after this.
II. Frantic Searching (Open)
Only there are a few faces missing. Aziraphale is nowhere to be found (again) and Crowley is missing from his bed and Mewtwo is not at the armory. Soldat checks in with the others-- Sora, Misty, Ellever, anyone they actually know and find comfortable to talk with actually-- with one of the questions: "Have you seen Crowley? Tall, copper hair, kind of an asshole?" "Have you seen Aziraphale? Kind of round, white curls, awful bowtie?" "Have you seen a tall blue cat-like person that floats and talks in your head?"
Even after the weekly bulletin with Lucius and Aziraphale confirmed in the obituaries, that doesn't mean they're not coming back. Right? And Aziraphale will be pissed as hell if Soldat managed to lose Crowley hours after his untimely demise. So they keep looking, keep asking around, keep checking the various outlying buildings and holding up their lantern fully unshuttered to the dark woods in search of a glimpse, an echo of a voice, a goddamn scent of Crowley or Mewtwo. (Fully unshuttered means anybody passing by can catch a glimpse of that little green crack, too, for those inclined to be nosy and who might know what that means.)
III. Church Vigils (Open)
When the search falls short after a few days, Soldat's routine changes. Patrols are cut a little short. Visits to handlers are brief, a quick assurance for Misty and dropping off a meal for Javert. Lunches or dinners at the Invincible are made to go. Meals, network scrolling, and weapon maintenance all take place in the church, a pew near the back, while Soldat waits for Aziraphale. And maybe Crowley. And maybe Mewtwo. Maybe even Lucius.
After the first week, it's Crowley and maybe Mewtwo. And a fixed, carefully neutral expression. They go through two notebooks, writing not memories of before they died, but memories of a former handler and technician. Those are precious, too.
IV. Rattling Around the House (Semi-open, close CR only)
Four hours twice a day are set aside for sleep. Mostly, in the empty house, Soldat does not in fact sleep. They pace around. They make little armies of origami animals. They cook mounds of food and plow through it without tasting it, to make up for the nervous energy and the lack of sleeping.
They can be found here during the two four-hour segments of the day they normally sleep, if anyone wants to come by. Only close friends get an answer at the door, though. People Soldat doesn't feel comfortable being nervous and only partially verbal around don't get to come in.
V. Packing Up (Semi-open, close CR only)
After the second week of church vigils, Soldat stops going. Because no one stays dead that long unless they really are dead. After that, patrols and handler visits don't happen at all for about three days. One of those days is spent out in the woods behind the village punching trees and making a big, noisy fuss outside of the immediate earshot of anyone who might worry. One is spent in blank moroseness, locked up in the house, out of energy to make a fuss.
The third day is spent slowly packing up all the personal things that belonged to Crowley, Aziraphale, and themselves. (Including a weird-ass little ghost thing that seems to like being petted on top of the head and occasionally followed them around the house during their pacing. It's kind of cute, and it used to be Crowley's, so apparently Soldat is looking after it now.) Friends can come in this day, too, if they want to help in the packing.
Packing complete, Soldat starts sadly carrying armfuls of things to Misty's cabin or back to the general store.
VI. Back to Normal? (Open)
After that, things even out. Soldat is staying at Misty's house now, though the torch remains in front of Aziraphale and Crowley's house since she has her own. Their routine resumes, exactly as if they never stopped it. Patrols are on time and thorough, meals happen actually at the Invincible, they return to practicing at the gymnasium on days when there's no combat classes, and they actually sleep again.
Still kind of quiet, though, with little casual conversation and no singing under their breath, and there's been no catching various friends with a song and a dance like had maybe seemed like it was becoming a thing now and then. Soldat's going to be a while actually getting back to happy, sorry friends, but they never turn down company.
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"Did you connect with anyone in the end? Like, did one of your girls come back? Or someone else?" It just seems lonely if the only good that ever came from the end of their life was... the end of their life.
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"... He came back for you." And then they might have hurt him. And it wouldn't have been their fault. Not really. And then Sora isn't really sure what to say to that, because at some level, in the past two months, he may have been under the impression that he'd done the same for Riku here in Beacon as well.
It's not the same thing. (When will it stick? When will the truth finally stick?)
"He loved you." Even without Sora connecting himself to the situation, it's obvious. "Wouldn't have done that if he didn't."
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"You think you mighta died together." Sora curls up over his notes again. He'd do that, too. Has, historically. Would again. (He'd much rather go out first next time.) "You were worth that, even if you didn't know who he was. Or at least, the connection he had in his heart for you told him that. That even if you forgot, he'd remember." That's important. It means that Steve was exactly where he wanted to be.
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"He made that decision about what you were worth for himself, not you." He blinks slowly. "I guess that's kind of the whole point of all this. You can, like... think whatever you want about yourself, but when it comes down to it, other people will see you however they like. What you do shapes how they feel about you, what they think about you, how they act. And if that means that he saw you as... someone who was worth that? Before you realized anything? Then you can't say that you weren't worth that to him anymore. That's just not the truth. You were. You are."
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(Also, definitely going to internalize the difference between objective importance and subjective importance, here.)
"There's this idea about how valuable you are that you're working with here. Like this sort of... idea that there's a dude somewhere who looks at people and thinks, oh, yeah, that guy's real valuable, guess he's worth, like x plus more to the whole human race or something than this other person over here. Boop. There. Now he's got worth." Sora tilts his head. "Right or wrong?"
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In the end, he just closes his eyes and breathes out, goes back to his notes. "You're right about HYDRA. Back then and now." Sora can't speak for the future, though. It's not his place.
He takes in a breath, holds it, and breathes it out again. It doesn't matter terribly to Sora if Steve was right or wrong, in the end. He died. It's sad and important that he died, but death has no meaning to the dead. It only means something to the living. To Soldat. It seems to matter to Soldat that he was wrong. They hold it close to themselves.
Sora isn't going to deny them that. He made a promise, after all. Soldat is fine exactly like this, and Sora believes it. But. "I just... can't think about people the same way you do. Not all the way, anyway." He's not willing to back down on that point. It's just not something he does. This is something that Sora asked Soldat a long time ago if they were okay with. This conversation is, tangentially, why.
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They slouch back into the couch, clearly unhappy-- or perhaps clearly "grumpy"-- but don't argue further. "Yeah, I know. And that's fine. Just. I can't."
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He looks up at them from his position. "I like you a lot. I'm gonna keep getting mad at you a lot, but I'm always gonna like you." Just putting that out there.
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That last little statement manages to cut a bit deeper than Soldat probably intended, but even though Sora could cry about it, he knows he doesn't have to, so he doesn't. It's taken quite a bit of time, but now he can follow the line from where that sentence hurts down to the part of his heart where it connects to him. It hurts because it's important. Because it's real.
"You don't have to be. You can change your mind." A broken heart is a survivable condition. Well, at least for a while, anyway. "I'll keep liking you forever, but you don't have to. It's okay." Forever is something that transcends time and space for Sora. He realizes now that that's an inescapable part of him, and that's okay. It has to be. It's just that forever's a terribly big thing to ask of anyone else. So he won't.
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Sora has plenty of sharp edges. They all just cut inwards instead of outward.
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But Sora gets that they're truly annoyed, which means Sora's thought himself into one of his moods again, so he pipes down, thinking. He has notebooks and notebooks filled with thoughts now. He's done more writing in the past couple of months than he has his entire life.
"I don't want to control how you think or feel," he says finally. "Maybe that's all I'm getting at. Is that cool?"
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But it's also wholly unnecessary in this situation. If Soldat could properly connect the feelings together with names, they'd be calling him family. So when he speaks up again, Soldat looks up from where they've started taking apart a gun to clean it. "What I mean is. You've got me until you're sick of me. So quit trying to give me outs. I don't want 'em."
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He still feels like he needs to repeat it, and then keep repeating it, and then keep repeating it until Soldat finally takes the hint and leaves him... But that's Skyler talking. Skyler and his determination to be alone so people don't get a chance to leave him. Sora doesn't actually want that. He just wants the certainty that everyone he loves will leave him to go away. Maybe he said what he said more for himself than for Soldat, then. That means he should probably stop saying it. He doesn't want to test their loyalty or whatever. It's there. That's good enough for Sora.
He's still scared, though. He doesn't know what will fix that. Maybe it's just something he'll carry around for a long, long time.
But right now, he's grabbing his blanket from the floor and laying down on the couch again, watching them clean their gun. Sora's not the biggest fan of guns, even if he now technically has one, but it's soothing. He's probably going to drift off like this.
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