logsinthenight | Routine Adjustments, Catch-All Log for February [Open+Closed prompts]

Entry tags:

Routine Adjustments, Catch-All Log for February [Open+Closed prompts]

characters: Soldat etc, open and closed prompts
location: Various, see each prompt
date/time: February 4 - 15, non-event stuff
content: Some new additions to the usual routine, some quiet grieving, and some dancing
warnings: Just the usual Bucky shit

I. Expanded Patrols, All Over + Invincible [Open]

With downtown open, and so far away in the snow, patrols take a little longer. Soldat spends a week in early February balancing locations until they find the optimum route for the morning and afternoon patrols (or, the 0500 and 1600 patrols, since there's no real morning or afternoon in a world of endless night). After that, snow and ice or not, they can be found reliably following one looping path or the other, depending on the time of day. Sometimes with company, sometimes not. Sometimes stopping at the scrapyard to give the dog-spirit a treat and sift through the junk in search of something useful. Sometimes wandering the halls of the school, wondering what it would have been like to attend one. Sometimes glowering at the mall downtown with the stupid crocodile spirits in the lower level.

And after, lingering in the warm Invincible tavern room and kitchen, listening to people, playing music softly on their tablet, and munching idly on sandwiches or whatever Midge has made that day while they play a newly remembered boredom-dispelling game: solitaire.

They're willing to segue into poker, should anyone come to join them before they get up to clean their dishes in the kitchen and go home to sleep.

II. Expanded Hours, Gym [Open]

Wednesday and Friday, like clockwork, after the 1600 patrol along the downtown loop, Soldat is at the gym with Javert and Jason for weapons and survival lessons or, if no one shows up for those, sparring and practice. Because practicing outside is kind of dumb when it's freezing, and because the trees behind Aziraphale and Crowley's cabin are starting to look rather worst for wear, Soldat winds up adding another day during the week-- sometimes Monday, sometimes Saturday, whenever they have time. They just show up at the rec center and throw knives at things, slash at imaginary opponents all across the gym floor, and hit things with the flesh fist (the metal one doesn't need to practice; it's a machine).

Feel free to join in. Or watch and wolf-whistle. Whatever.

III. Fading Hope, Church [Open]

Between actual routine activities, Soldat has spare time. They don't normally like spare time, and try to find useful ways to fill it, but the first week or so of February, it's good that they have it, because they spend most of it in the church.

Scarlett, their very first friend since Steve Rogers, had an obituary. Scarlett has been gone for possibly weeks. Scarlett might still come back, and Soldat wants to be there when she does. Or at least find her as soon after as possible. Make sure she's all right.

So they sit in a pew near the back, feet propped unrepentantly on the pew back in front of them, and hold a notebook over their knees, sometimes writing (slow and halting, occasionally hasty scribbles), sometimes just staring at the blank pages. Waiting.

IV. Buck Up, Sad Boy [Closed to Misty]

Scarlett is gone, apparently for good, but. Well. They're not. And other people are not. And they can only wallow in Sad for so long before the Sergeant nags them into doing something they enjoy, even with the Asset apparently enjoying the mope. So after clearing out Scarlett's things from her old room (boxing up the more personal effects in their own room, distributing her canned food supply to the store), they head to Misty's.

They have a plan. This will cheer them both up, they hope. So they knock, tablet already out and clutched to their chest, and hope she's awake.

V. Dragged Along for Research [Closed to Sora]

The library is not really Soldat's favorite place, but here they are anyway, trailing along behind Sora, looking around at the books in a somewhat blank and lost manner. There's so damn many. How do you even know where to start.

Thankfully, that's what hyperactive teenagers are for. Start them in the right direction, Sora. Or at least start them somewhere.

VI. Wildcard

Got an idea not on here for something you'd like to do with Soldat before the memshare event? Hit me up, I am open to p much anything and everything.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

The urge is there to just smack the back of Sora's head. Soldat doesn't stop him, so... there it goes. It's gentle, though, just enough to bounce his head forward a little. "Punk," the Sergeant says, but it sounds fond.

He pulls down another book, himself, making a face at the dust. The Sergeant's expressions are more open and readable than Soldat's. "Maybe. Maybe not. Got no idea what we'd be like if we were... somebody else. Shit, that's way too complicated for Soldat to wanna think about." They're still dealing with the personhood in general deal, without trying to imagine throwing in being someone else, too.

Sora will smack both hands to the back of his head, wincing comically, then give the sergeant a bared teeth grimace before turning his attention to the books. There, his grimace quickly melts into a pink-cheeked pleased grin. The sergeant likes him, and the soldier was okay with everything that went down there! It's heartening. The extent to which they've grown comfortable with his company means the world to Sora, especially after how Skyler treated them a couple of weeks ago. They're in this together, after all. Any affirmation he can get that whatever they're doing is working is just more motivation for him to keep trying.

He rubs his nose with a finger and clears his throat, trying to put away that momentary euphoria so he doesn't just rocket away on the wings of his own enthusiasm. Work to do. (Also, is the sergeant calling the soldier Soldat, now? Hmmmmmmm.) "Yeah, maybe it's better that you weren't there. I only really remember there being one other guy in my heart - before New Jersey - and that was pretty complicated already. Don't know what I would've done if it'd been Skyler, and then me, and him in me, and another two people in me? I guess?" He shakes his head. That would've been way too much. "It'd be like, uh, what. Those Russian dolls? Starts with an M."

Why yes, the Sergeant is. Though there's been no official announcement or anything, that would just be weird. There's a pause, possibly longer enough for Sora to look up and wonder why no one has said anything. "Matryoshka." The Brooklyn accent is gone, and Soldat is staring hard at the book in their hands, frowning a little. It's proper Russian accent time. Also proper Russian language time, though auto-translate still works so Sora can still understand: "Not like that."

It is a bit of a weird pause, but Sora figured that the Sergeant had gotten lost in his book before the properly pronounced term comes in reply. Sora looks up to see the Sergeant glued to his book... wait. Nah, that's the soldier again. They both have their backs straight and shoulders back, but the way they look when they're focused is different. (Sora thinks he's getting it, but it's like telling identical twins apart, except harder because there's no way to put them side by side and compare.)

Well, if that them, that's how to get the soldier (Soldat?) back. Hm. He's going to have to start learning Russian. Just in case of emergencies! "Then how," Sora asks. He's sure that their words were shaped like Russian, but he could still understand it? Huh. Experimentation time. "Tell me," he says, only this time, he forms the words in Tagalog.

Well. Your'e half-right, Sora. It's not the Sergeant. Apparently you get the Sergeant by making fun of Brooklyn, and you get the Asset by asking about something Russian. Sora gets a sidelong look, not actually hitting anywhere but his knees, but clocking where he is, completely expressionless. Then the answer, in clear unaccented Tagalog right back: "Rough edges. No clear orders." Well. Clear and unaccented and more choppy than even Soldat usually gets.

(Holy fuck, the Asset has actual words and can converse with someone. Oh shit oh fuck Asset get back in here! You aren't supposed to do that! I'm pretty sure it's not gonna hurt anyone. I am not risking the kid on pretty sure, Sergeant!)

Edited (ugh I hate repeating icons on accident) 2020-02-11 01:04 (UTC)

That's. Not a very soldier-like answer. But Sora can't really place why that is? Sora will put the book in his hands down on the floor (he'll stick it in the shelving area later) and lean back on his hands really look at the soldier, trying to tick through what just happened. The Tagalog is perfectly understandable! Just. Short.

"No clear order, like... The way they're stuck in each other isn't right? Is there a better way to explain it?" No foreign language this time. Sora thinks he may have stymied the soldier a little, asking a question in a language they know but don't usually use (nice surprise, gonna have to save that for later). (Wait... also, where's the little grin they'd have when they know they've done something that will impress him?)

"No clear orders." Plural, Sora. The Asset switches languages again, but now it's back to Russian, while Sora is back to English. Russian is compliant. Also more comfortable. "Refusal of the mission."

(Get. The fuck. In. Here.) "No." (Are you talking back to me from out there?) "Yes." (Jesus fuck, that's gonna confuse the kid. Inside. Now. I thought you liked orders, you bastard. Follow that one.)

"Orders...?" Still speaking in Russian, too. Sora frowns, focusing a little, trying to put the pieces together in his head. Orders, refusing a mission, simple yes or no answers, the weird sterility...

Sora nearly drops onto an elbow as it all falls into place. Oh. The description from the week with the lantern. I used to be like that, was what they said. Oh. Oooooh.

"Hey, Asset." Said a little cautiously, but with more curiosity than fear. Sora wasn't around when the soldier was more Asset than not. "That's you, right? Hi." A pause, then a very embarrassed babble. "Sorry for telling you to go throw yourself in the trash. I meant it, but I don't mean it anymore."

The Asset just kind of stares in his general direction like those words didn't even register. This is apparently where Soldat's ability to look at something or someone without actually looking at it comes from. The Asset is very good at it.

The words did apparently register, though, because it says after a long moment, "Command unclear."

(Asset. Please.)

"Request unclear."

(Wait, wait. Hold on. I don't think it knows how to do what you're askin', pal. It's never done this on purpose, right? ... Oh, fuck.)

"I - huh?" Okay. Hm. Maybe they're a little like a computer? Sora's not good with computers. Sora picks himself up and walks over, hands out of his pockets and looking up at them, thinking. "You don't have to do anything with an apology. It's just there to make me feel better. That way, we can work around to being friends." Sora pauses. Is any of this any good when all they want is an order? Also, where did the sergeant go? And Soldat? Maybe that should take priority.

"Um. Can you tell me if the sergeant and th- Soldat? Are they okay in there? They didn't go anywhere, right?"

Responding verbally to handlers (or anyone, really) has never been the Asset's specialty. It can issue orders to officially designated backup, it can respond to requests for tactical analysis, it can ask questions pertinent to the mission, and it can keep its mouth shut or bite people. This isn't even the Winter Soldier fresh off the ferry-- this is the most repressed, locked down version of the Winter Soldier, what HYDRA wanted more than what they actually got.

So this isn't a set of questions the Asset is prepared to field. It's not supposed to talk about the inside of its head-- technically, it's not supposed to have anything in there at all, let alone a couple of chattering assholes. Its gaze flicks left and right, briefly, away from Sora. As if looking for exits. Then it goes back to the diffuse not-looking-at-anything gaze, over Sora's shoulder, but its answer is uncharacteristically uncertain. "Functioning. Normally?"

This is normal for the body, these days. The chattering. That answer should be good enough, right? (This is a nightmare. Can't you just bump it out? How should I know? You always go back yourself. How do you bump me out?)

Sora grins. "Hey, that's a good answer! Thank you." Okay, so they're good in there! Or at least that's how Sora's interpreting that? If they're missing, they'd just say that they weren't in there at all, right? (He's pretty sure that they'd say that. Normal these days seems to be crowded in there.)

He should probably just get the sergeant back out here just so the Asset doesn't get uncomfortable - he spotted that quick look, he knows shy when he sees it - but he does have one more order for the Asset, if they're so willing. "Okay, one more order!" He pauses dramatically. "Take care of everyone in there! Yourself included. You're the new guy, so you probably don't know that they'll take care of you if you take care of them. It's okay to not know what's up! Just remember that they'll watch your back if you watch theirs! That's my only order."

There's another two seconds or so of diffuse staring. Then, with the only warning being a sudden kicking into gear of servos in the metal arm, the Asset's blank expression turns into a snarl and they lunge at Sora.

If Sora is quick enough to dodge, the Sergeant will be yanking control back in time to keep the Asset from pursuing. If Sora is not quick enough to dodge, he'll get metal fingers wrapped around his throat, but only for a second, not enough to actually squeeze and cause damage, before the Sergeant gets that control back.

On one hand, the Asset is an unknown quantity, and Sora's supposed to be wary of unknown quantities! His lessons with the soldier and Javert and even Jason and Link have taught him as much. He's also in territory where he doesn't want to start anything, and he probably shouldn't have risked as much as he did when he knows perfectly well how to get the Sergeant back. That look of agitation should have telegraphed a bit, too. He should have at least been prepared to calm them down.

On the other hand, he just doesn't know what the Asset is like besides someone who took up a lot of room, then didn't. And they're a part of Soldat. And he's Sora. Sora, who always tries to see the best in people. And everyone is a person, even if they make him a little nervous at first.

His naïveté is never calculated, so Sora's eyes will fly open in shock as his head tilts back, throat caught by metal, and his hands will fly up instinctively to grab at the hand just before the shift happens, his head already pulling back in a vague attempt to twist out of the grip. After it's obvious that he isn't about to get his windpipe crushed, he'll... actually pull his hands back?

"I'm, um. Sorry." This, even after the Asset has made it clear they don't know what to do with an apology. Sora is definitely just like this.

The snarl turns into something much more shocked and frantic, and the metal fingers pry themselves back just after Sora manages to squeak out his apology. "Shit shit. Sorry, kid, that really shouldn't have fucking happened. Couldn't figure out how to get that asshole back where it belongs until too late."

The Sergeant, accent at all, glaring at the metal hand as if the attack were all its fault and breathing a little heavy with the shock of it. Probably for the best it's still the Sergeant, since Soldat would be a stammering mess after something like that. They still are, technically, just safely inside their own head. (Oh god I am so sorry Jesus that was awful Asset I am going to fucking kill you I swear, if you hurt him-- No.)

He steps back, giving Sora some space. Giving himself some space, because even with another aspect in control, the body still wants space. To Sora: "You okay?"

"N-No, I'm - No. I knew how to get you back, I. Thank you." Sora wavers a little, deciding if the shock is going to let him stay on his feet, then grabs onto a nearby shelf. Can't be too careful, especially when his head remembers stress in ways his body doesn't. (That's what the training is for. He knows he can't beat himself up too much for that.)

"Hi again. That was me." Sora takes a deep breath, holds it, blows it out. "I knew how to get you back," he repeats, and this time he has the presence of mind to be contrite about it. "I shouldn't have. I keep doing that." No waterworks, and the series of events are coming back in the correct order. Really, this is pretty okay all around. "Um. You shouldn't apologize for something I could have stopped. I pushed it too hard. That was me." Finally, everything out in the right order. Sora 1, shock 0. "Are you okay?"

The look Sora gets for his awkward mostly-apology is somewhere between pitying and incredulous, and then an awkward shuffle of feet and arm recalibration, and then Soldat is blinking again, expression evening out for a beat until it turns into a wince. (What did you do that for? I am not as good with people as you think I am, Soldat. And he's your friend.) The Asset, wisely, says nothing, withdrawn to the back of their mind somewhere, lurking.

Soldat takes a slow, shaky breath. Okay. They fucked up. Sora is not allowed to take the fall for this. Not allowed to beat himself up for it like he always fucking does. "Kid. It's not. It's not like that. You can't just summon one-- one piece of me. Even if you tried. You didn't know what the Asset's like. I should've told you better." The arm shudders through another calibration loop, slightly muted under their layers. "So this ain't on you. Okay? Don't put that on you."

... Now that Sora's actually looking at the soldier while they're moving between minds, he's starting to catch when things change! We're going somewhere with this whole observation skill thing, folks. He's not as sure about the pause afterward, but he hasn't quite caught on that when the Asset isn't loud, other people do very much have full conversations in there. For him and Skyler, it's very quiet. Can't do much conversing with someone mentally out of commission, after all.

Sora thinks about what they say very quietly, hand still on the shelf, then puffs a laugh through his lips. "You say that, but once I finish coming up this burn about the Yankees, I'll have to try it. If it gets him back three times, it's not a coincidence anymore." It's not a great joke, but Sora has to try to lighten the mood so he doesn't start trashing himself again, even by accident. He knows that the soldier doesn't want him to do that. Heck, he doesn't want to do that. It just keeps happening and he's not sure how to stop it.

Maybe that's the darkness too. Vanitas was right.

"You should tell me what the Asset's like, then. So I know what to do next time." Sora nods to himself. It seems like a pretty good solution to him!

It's a habit. And habits are only broken by consciously trying to do something else, by being reminded not to do the thing whenever one starts to do it. Soldat knows that much. They've been quietly dealing with conditioned habits for months, now-- not always consciously, but by this point, they're at least aware. And sometimes they need help. Sora probably will, too.

That is a long-term project, though. For now, the important part of keeping Sora alive. "You should keep your distance. Not talk to it. Definitely don't get within attacking range. The Asset is dangerous." They really cannot stress this enough. They were an assassin. The Asset was erratic. It obeyed orders because it was too afraid not to, but it didn't take orders from everyone. "I know you want to be friends with everyone. But the Asset does not understand friends."

"The Asset won't understand friends unless someone tells them about friends," Sora replies a bit stubbornly. "I mean, I can play keep away all I want, but at the end of the day, they might come back out when we least expect it, and they might be scared again? Or unpredictable, or whatever was making them tense." Because they were. That much was clear, at least.

"Someone's gotta try being nice to them." Sora will pause, then pull himself back a little. "I mean... it doesn't have to be me. But I wanna try being there and making better memories for them so they know that they don't have to be like that. Even if it's a total waste of time." He doesn't like the idea of lost causes at all.

Edited (sentences don't usually work like that) 2020-02-15 02:59 (UTC)

Why does someone else's optimism make them feel despair? Their voice is a little tight when they say, "Can't risk you. Kid, I can't. Maybe you're right. Maybe eventually the Asset will learn. But right now. I can't let it hurt you. Let me and the Sergeant talk to it for now. It can't hurt us." They're pretty sure, anyway. The Soldier never really was one for self-harm, that they can remember.

They're afraid of hurting him. That's... pretty apparent, and has always been. Sora doesn't want to make other people afraid to be around him, or to let him into their problems. That's the whole point of him, right? To be optimistic. To be unstoppable. To be strong enough to help people beyond what's realistic, even if it hurts a little.

You could have helped Riku if you were stronger. You're the problem. Why can't you just accept that you aren't who you think you are? Maybe you could finally get somewhere if you just let go.

"The Asset can't hurt you." That's the one piece of information that is stopping Sora from turning around and screaming into the quiet of this library because there's nothing left to do. "That's... the important part." And he bites his lip because he can't help but feel bad for the Asset, none of this is their fault. They just happened to be there, and he happened to be here. And he wants them to be less scared if this happens again.

"This still sucks," he concludes, bitterly. "I'll be careful, but this sucks so much, bro."

"It does," Soldat agrees, sagging a little with relief that Sora isn't fighting them on this. "I know it does. I'm sorry."

It's hard to feel bad for something you're terrified of, that just tried to kill your friend. That you used to be. Soldat has certain blind spots, and the very biggest one them is themselves. (Sora may in fact have a point, but it's going to take a while to get it through their sometimes-thick skull.)

"Maybe not forever," is the best they can do. "Just not now. Not for a while."

Sora is tempted to say now, it has to be now. There are only two years left! If they keep waiting, they won't have enough time to be friends.

Would it really be worth it if we all failed? Would they learn to trust others for nothing?

With a greater amount of effort than he realized it'd take, he takes those thoughts and puts them down, mentally walking away. It doesn't matter. It doesn't. What matters is that it happened, no matter how short the time is.

"Just not now," Sora echoes absentmindedly, then repeats more firmly. "Just not now. Later. And there's gonna be a later. I promise there's gonna be a later."

Sigh. "I know." And a small, wan, but at least present smile. "You don't let shit go. I won't forget."

Soldat's arm runs another calibration loop, this one softer, a more muted purring sound. Reassurance. They run the flesh hand down their face. "Okay. We were looking for books. Let's. Do that some more, yeah?"

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I'm so sorry Sora. the Asset is kinda. volatile...

it's okay! occupational hazards of being a dumbass

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