logsinthenight | Losing Family [Catch-all Log

characters: Bucky/Soldat and OPEN
location: Aziraphale and Crowley's house, around Beacon, the church, etc
date/time: First half of March, up to the Wild Heart event
content: Soldat lost some really important people and is reacting poorly
warnings: Excessive sadness, a temper tantrum at one point, varying levels of ability to actually verbalize, and the usual disassociation for a Soldat post

I. Ferry Fears (Open)

It's normal to visit the ferry on the day it arrives. Soldat always helps unload, and this month they have things they badly want, anyway. They frown at the smell wafting off the lake as the ferry drifts up through the melting ice. They know that smell-- they know it very well. Why does the ferry smell like weeks-old dead bodies?

Well, that's a question quickly answered. Leaping on board even before the ferry docks-- thanks, superserum!-- Soldat is faced with... actual weeks-old dead bodies! What a surprise. They crouch to investigate them, because of course they do, looking for signs of cause of death, alert for potential danger still on board. And that facial structure and rotting clothing is... familiar. That curl of blonde hair. That--

"--holy shitting fuck," Soldat whines, scrambling back with a start. That would be the decaying body of one Misty Day, right there. But they saw her just this morning. She's fine. They, uh, dash out a quick text message to her on their tablet (Misty please tell me you are okay) and then pick themselves up. Gingerly. And start looking at more bodies, giving that one a wide berth but keeping it in the corner of their eye anyway. Other bodies reveal themselves to be other friends, including a Crowley and Aziraphale, and, wedged into a corner of one cabin room, their own rotting corpse-- metal arm still shiny and undecayed because the damn thing doesn't even rust.

"What the fuck," they mutter to themselves, before finally, warily getting busy hauling getting supplies off the boat. Maybe a little more quickly than usual. They wanna see people's faces in person, after this.

II. Frantic Searching (Open)

Only there are a few faces missing. Aziraphale is nowhere to be found (again) and Crowley is missing from his bed and Mewtwo is not at the armory. Soldat checks in with the others-- Sora, Misty, Ellever, anyone they actually know and find comfortable to talk with actually-- with one of the questions: "Have you seen Crowley? Tall, copper hair, kind of an asshole?" "Have you seen Aziraphale? Kind of round, white curls, awful bowtie?" "Have you seen a tall blue cat-like person that floats and talks in your head?"

Even after the weekly bulletin with Lucius and Aziraphale confirmed in the obituaries, that doesn't mean they're not coming back. Right? And Aziraphale will be pissed as hell if Soldat managed to lose Crowley hours after his untimely demise. So they keep looking, keep asking around, keep checking the various outlying buildings and holding up their lantern fully unshuttered to the dark woods in search of a glimpse, an echo of a voice, a goddamn scent of Crowley or Mewtwo. (Fully unshuttered means anybody passing by can catch a glimpse of that little green crack, too, for those inclined to be nosy and who might know what that means.)

III. Church Vigils (Open)

When the search falls short after a few days, Soldat's routine changes. Patrols are cut a little short. Visits to handlers are brief, a quick assurance for Misty and dropping off a meal for Javert. Lunches or dinners at the Invincible are made to go. Meals, network scrolling, and weapon maintenance all take place in the church, a pew near the back, while Soldat waits for Aziraphale. And maybe Crowley. And maybe Mewtwo. Maybe even Lucius.

After the first week, it's Crowley and maybe Mewtwo. And a fixed, carefully neutral expression. They go through two notebooks, writing not memories of before they died, but memories of a former handler and technician. Those are precious, too.

IV. Rattling Around the House (Semi-open, close CR only)

Four hours twice a day are set aside for sleep. Mostly, in the empty house, Soldat does not in fact sleep. They pace around. They make little armies of origami animals. They cook mounds of food and plow through it without tasting it, to make up for the nervous energy and the lack of sleeping.

They can be found here during the two four-hour segments of the day they normally sleep, if anyone wants to come by. Only close friends get an answer at the door, though. People Soldat doesn't feel comfortable being nervous and only partially verbal around don't get to come in.

V. Packing Up (Semi-open, close CR only)

After the second week of church vigils, Soldat stops going. Because no one stays dead that long unless they really are dead. After that, patrols and handler visits don't happen at all for about three days. One of those days is spent out in the woods behind the village punching trees and making a big, noisy fuss outside of the immediate earshot of anyone who might worry. One is spent in blank moroseness, locked up in the house, out of energy to make a fuss.

The third day is spent slowly packing up all the personal things that belonged to Crowley, Aziraphale, and themselves. (Including a weird-ass little ghost thing that seems to like being petted on top of the head and occasionally followed them around the house during their pacing. It's kind of cute, and it used to be Crowley's, so apparently Soldat is looking after it now.) Friends can come in this day, too, if they want to help in the packing.

Packing complete, Soldat starts sadly carrying armfuls of things to Misty's cabin or back to the general store.

VI. Back to Normal? (Open)

After that, things even out. Soldat is staying at Misty's house now, though the torch remains in front of Aziraphale and Crowley's house since she has her own. Their routine resumes, exactly as if they never stopped it. Patrols are on time and thorough, meals happen actually at the Invincible, they return to practicing at the gymnasium on days when there's no combat classes, and they actually sleep again.

Still kind of quiet, though, with little casual conversation and no singing under their breath, and there's been no catching various friends with a song and a dance like had maybe seemed like it was becoming a thing now and then. Soldat's going to be a while actually getting back to happy, sorry friends, but they never turn down company.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[That look. What is that look for. It's-- it's not a bad look, but it still makes them feel ashamed. They worried him. Not just Sora, not just Misty, Inspector Javert. Them, with their stupid mistakes, dying because they didn't move fast enough.

Soldat holds very still in case the touch connects, and for a second is actually disappointed when it doesn't. First time for everything, they suppose, even disappointment at not being touched instead of relief.]

Less than an hour. Sora took me to Misty's first. Only just got back to the house. I would have sent you a message shortly.

[And because that look is awful, they can't help but add,]

I'm sorry. That should never have happened. I made errors.

( His hand very nearly reaches to him again anyway, to push him back into the house before anyone can bear witness to such foolishness. As it is, he merely moves a little closer into his space, not quite touching but trying to sidle his way past the door with a grunt, )

Don't speak of this out here.

( Whether the soldier allows him in or not is irrelevant. Javert forces his way in regardless, his hand curling around his cane, turning toward him. )

You have nothing to apologize for. It is I who should be apologizing.

[Even the first physical hint that he'd like to come inside is met with stepping back to let him, blinking only once with surprise at the vehemence. The expression turns kind of confused.]

Sir. What. I failed in my mission, of course I should apologize.

[They would even be looking for punishment, if they weren't considering the goddamn endless hunger their death left them with, and new head-voice to deal with to go with it, punishment enough right now. Or the more gross death than even they're used to. Being eaten. Ew.]

What does that matter? You never would've been there to begin with if it weren't for me.

( There's a tinge of guilt in his expression. He didn't feel comfortable expressing it outside, out in the open, but now, he doesn't attempt to hold back. He's not proud of what he's done, and he can take no pride in this either, even if the courthouse did prove useful. The only comforting thing the inspector can think to say is, )

The creature is dead. I killed the thing myself after you had gone. It came at a cost, but it is one I would gladly pay it three times over after what had happened.

( Because he cares. He doesn't say as much out loud, but the implication is there. )

[This is so strange. They knew Javert cared, for some value of "care" that Javert is comfortable with expressing. But this is. It's. It's ridiculous, is what it is. Soldat is not worth that from a handler. (Misty, but Misty is not quite handler anymore, she's something else.) Soldat is not worth that from anybody, but they can't stop emotional people like Sora and Misty from worrying, so they've mostly given up on it. Mostly.

But Javert? It makes no sense. They're so boggled that is actually comes out their mouth.]

I'm not worth that.

Why not?

( He's not comfortable expressing any sort of emotion, not unless it's somehow related to his anger or to his pride. But after what happened at the courthouse, watching his soldier being eaten alive by a creature Javert should have killed sooner. He didn't, though, because too slow on his crippled leg, a liability. He wasn't quick enough, and it cost the other man his life. Thinking about it has forced him to realize some things, but he holds his tongue. )

[What a simple question. Soldat, for a moment, can't find an answer beyond "I'm just not". They're tired and hungry and don't know if they have the resources for a conversation like this. They highly doubt Javert will react the same way as Misty to a crying jag.

They finally say:]

I'm not a person.

[It's not said with quite the same flat conviction as the first time, when they first met six months ago. But then, there's a lot about Soldat that's changed since the first time they met.]

( Self worth is not something that can be gained overnight. Javert of all people would know that, considering how lowly he thinks of himself, and still does. He's not emotionally expressive enough to say anything encouraging, and Soldat looks far too tired to consider it, so he say nothing. There's a long, uncomfortable pause that goes on for several moments, before Javert finally says, )

I will deliver a report to you of what had happened. If there is anything else you require of me, tell me so.

( He shouldn't linger for too long if he's not going to stay. His leg is already beginning to protest a bit. )

[Uncomfortable pauses aren't the worst thing that could happen here. Soldat holds still, as much as they'd like to waver on their feet, or go sit. They wait, half-expecting a reprimand. It's both a relief and a kind of disappointment when it doesn't come. (Looking for punishment after all?)

They don't answer the Sergeant, focusing instead of Javert.]

Thank you, sir. It will. It will be good to know what I missed. I will be more careful next time.

[They should offer him tea or coffee or something, but they're so tired. It would just be a long string of more awkward pauses if they did. They do say, though:]

Though I might. Take a bit of a break from fighting spirits for a while. Maybe. Since these are taken care of, and all.

You may not have much of a choice, if they attack us again.

( He's just saying. They shouldn't let their guard down just because one threat has been eliminated. He's not going to force the other man to attack the spirits — ever since his discussion with Crowley, he's never forced Soldat do anything that may take away his personal autonomy. He doesn't seem upset, at least, but understanding. )

Rest. We will worry about the future later.

If they attack. I won't hesitate.

[That much Soldat can promise. They're just maybe not going to go looking for trouble, and if they stumble upon it, might run and spread the word rather than trying to take it on themselves. They're tired. And it's not like their skill did a damn thing, this time.]

I will.

[They'll try, anyway.]

Thank you, sir. For. Checking on me.

( He grumbles something unintelligible, his chin sinking into the collar of his greatcoat. His appreciation is entirely unnecessary. It's his duty as a police officer to see to the welfare of his people — but that sounds like more of an excuse than anything. He knows there is a greater reason.

He takes his cane and marches toward the door, not looking back even to say, )

I will not fail you again either.

( Before disappearing into the night, before Soldat has a chance to respond or contest it. )

[Soldat twitches a little at the phrase, a little wince, but doesn't call after him. Just watches him disappear into the dark, following the pinpoint of his lantern until they can't anymore, and only then close the door and go attempt to collapse for an hour or three. But they're not forgetting that, either.]

Losing Family [Catch-all Log - Open]

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