EVENT LOG: TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

[inthenightmods]

EVENT LOG:
TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

characters: everyone.
location: around town.
date/time: january 20-29.
content: the lanterns begin to malfunction.
warnings: body horror and psychological horror. please cw tags appropriately.

you'll become one

January 20th arrives the same as all the days before it. There's no great pulse of warning that throbs through the air, no ominous wind that causes the bonfire to shudder. The spirits are neither agitated nor do they hide. You could almost miss the change, if the lanterns weren't always by your side. There's no explanation that comes with the way that it's changed, but it's impossible not to worry when it's happened so suddenly.

Maybe it takes a few days, or maybe it only takes a few hours, but suddenly it isn't just the lanterns that have changed. You, yourself, have become somehow different. It's possible that you won't even have the right state of mind to wonder how long it will last. At the very least, it appears you aren't alone. All across Beacon, lanterns are changing, and changing the people with them.

Out in the distance, the lighthouse's beam has turned green.

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Comments

[worthallthis]

"He dismissed me when I shut down. When he yelled. It should be fine." With luck, Skyler won't even see them coming, if there turns out to be something they need to intervene in. It's been a while since they've had to practice being a ghost, and all the snow will make it tricky, but they are still well trained and highly skilled. It should be possible.

They pause in their sandwich demolition to half-smile, eye going sideways in Sora's direction even if they still are resisting turning their head. "And you can't beat me." It's a joke. (Mostly.)

[arsarcanum]

The difference between memory and personality has never been so stark for Sora than at this point. He's about to argue, but realizes that makes sense. Even if they're working from the same memories, Skyler's going to choose to use the information in a different way from him because he has a different way of looking at the world. He chooses not to see the world the way Sora does - for a lot of reasons, but mostly because he doesn't want to.

It's an observation that seems handy but kind of difficult to explain and irrelevant to the current topic, which is this: Sora whirls around on the soldier, mouth open and mock-flabbergasted. Perhaps even offended!

"Could too! You don't know. I could be the best student ever and pick it up real fast. It'd sneak up on you! I'd sneak up on you!" He... really couldn't, he's too much of a goober, but bless, he'd try.

[worthallthis]

The Soldier smiles just a hint more. That's pretty much the reaction they expected. Funny. "You've never seen me actually fight." Even in the practice fights Sora might have seen after lessons at the gym are never all-out. The Soldier is always careful not to actually hurt anyone they're fighting against, there.

They know they're not undefeatable-- Captain America managed it, temporarily, and there are other enhanced beings here in Beacon who could probably do it, not to mention the green-eyes and the rock spirits impervious to slashing and bashing damage-- but they are <>u>very good. And they do know that.

[arsarcanum]

Sora pauses. He hasn't...? "Well! Maybe you should! You never know until I try!" He puffs his chest out, ignoring that he got that turn of phrase, uh, wrong, while trying to mentally pick through all of the spars he's seen the soldier in. Really? None of them were serious?

The effect is about as intimidating as the posturing of a small to mid-sized dog barking at a car in the street, and even that dissipates when his stomach growls once and very loudly.

"Uh." He looks down at it, and then at the soldier. "He didn't eat. Is there any lunchmeat left?" Sandwich time.

[worthallthis]

They look between the last bite of sandwich number three, and Sora, sidelong. Couldn't have said that two minutes ago, kid? Jesus. "There's more." They consider getting up and making one for him. But then that'd tear their back open again, and its kind of nice to just sit here and carefully not bleed for a few more minutes. "Bread, too. Go eat."

[arsarcanum]

Sure, he was hungry, but getting fed wasn't really the first thing on his mind, even if the weed DID give him a serious case of the munchies. He'll slip off his seat and head on over to the fridge, then, grabbing some turkey and some slices of cheese from the fridge without really checking what kind they are.

"Hey. Sorry." Sora has been thinking about this part the whole walk back up to the Invincible. "I mean, he's not sorry, but he shouldn't have treated you like that." He shuts the fridge with his hip. "It wasn't okay."

[worthallthis]

"Wasn't bad. Didn't even insult me, really. Just got loud." And the Soldier doesn't do great with loud, frankly. That's probably obvious. There was one thing, though: "He really hates himself."

Which kind of makes the Soldier wonder if Sora has the same problem, given some of the things he's said.

[arsarcanum]

"Still not okay." And he's about to go on about that, because the soldier should definitely, definitely understand that just because they weren't that hurt by it doesn't make it right or fair to them, because they deserve respect, because they're a person, but what they say about Skyler is enough to make his hands stutter as they get a plate from an upper cabinet.

He's quiet for a second. He puts the plate down and grabs some bread from its plastic bag. "Well, uh, you're not wrong," he says wryly, not looking back to see how they react to that. "People who need to make other people feel small to make themselves feel like they're worth something don't like themselves much." The cadence of how he says this is very similar to the neutral way Skyler said he'd beat the shit out of the soldier if they called him Sora's name, but the lantern on the counter is still whole and sunshine yellow.

[worthallthis]

They consider that, chewing their last bite more slowly, as if that will make it last longer in their stomach. They've never had a need to make others feel smaller-- the opposite, rather. Before HYDRA, the kid they used to be tried to make Steve feel bigger, they know that clearly. After HYDRA, everything had been focused on appeasing handlers and protecting the self, which often meant making themselves seem smaller.

Now, they just want to make their friends happy and safe. They don't even think much about how big they feel-- the rare cases it comes up in their brain, it's with guilt and anxiety, and is then swiftly avoided. They're not remotely aware if they like themselves, but that hasn't seemed particularly important. Weapons don't need to like themselves.

"Has he always hated himself?" they ask with a little frown, once they've finished their last swallow. "What made him that way?"

[arsarcanum]

If Sora knew how the soldier took that, he'd definitely point out that his level of simplicity makes it hard for him to understand why a weapon can't be a person, and why being a weapon excludes someone from the joys of liking themselves. A conversation for another day. (If he knew about him, he'd definitely like hearing about Steve sooner rather than later, though. Friends are good.)

Sora's stacking ingredients plain, too distracted to think about toasting the bread or even adding a sauce to bind everything together. After all, those are questions he's thought about for years, and he's still not sure if he has concrete answers for them, if only because he's not sure if thinking about it would fix anything, or salvage anything worth saving. Advanced sandwich construction is beyond him right now.

"I - he." He shakes his head. "Sorry. When I try to find, like, one thing in the past that could have started this, it's harder for me to remember which one I am. There isn't enough of me - Sora - back there. I'm just... him. I don't know what's true and what's just him being scared. I don't have perspective."

He pauses again, trying to pick through his train of thought. "I... know that he thinks he's broken. I like to be more optimistic! He hates that." He laughs, the sound a little helpless and jangly. "And that's about as far as we got before he had to go to sleep. Everything after that is me guessing, and, um... I have, you know, guesses, but they're kind of. Like. Stupid."

[worthallthis]

All of that makes sense, the Soldier thinks, gazing into the middle distance and resting their chin on the flesh hand while the metal one's fingers click in a gentle rhythm against the table-top. It's the tiniest amount of movement, and all they can engage in without bleeding again.

"Maybe if I see him again. I can tell him it's not all bad being broken." They're pretty damn broken, and yet here they are. Generally content, even if they're bleeding all over the place and their friends are going a little crazy. Just Beacon Things. "And broken can always get mended, even a little. If it's what he wants."

Considering how firmly Skyler had claimed to not want to learn, the Soldier is guessing he actually kind of does and is just afraid to. They understand that, too.

[arsarcanum]

Sora closes the bread back and brings his sandwiches over, sliding into place next to the soldier, trying to pick through what Skyler would say to that. It's easy enough to come up with an answer - after all, he's also him if he doesn't think too hard about himself - but Sora isn't really comfortable with the answer himself.

"It isn't what he wants. And that's... sort of my fault. I mean, it's also his fault, but." He scratches the back of his head, picks up one of his sandwiches, and stares at it as though it could give him the proper path to explain this from A to Z.

"Do you remember how I told you that we didn't have enough space? That I was, you know... starting to crowd him out?" Because he was stronger. It wasn't the most nuanced explanation, but it was the best he could do at the time, given that they'd just met and Sora was throwing a lot of information at them.

Sora shoves the sandwich in his mouth. It all makes sense to him, but he should probably start making charts or something.

[worthallthis]

"Yes." The Soldier doesn't watch Sora, since one, that would require turning their head and slicing themselves open again, and two, potential eye contact. They listen, though. And think of how those two things were connected. "And he thinks learning. Becoming more like you. Will mean he exists less?"

[arsarcanum]

"Thought. And, uh, thinks." Sora swallows his mouthful. "He was sort of wrong about the reason when this all first started, but it's. Still happening. Just not in the way he thought."

Long, looooong explanation incoming. Sora probably doesn't have enough sandwiches for this, but that's okay. "The short version is that this isn't the first time I - Sora - have ever absorbed other people before. In my - Sora's -" Sora makes a frustrated growl. "This is getting too hard. I'm Sora, okay? Just for this conversation. Me, the person talking right now. The one from Destiny Island, not from New Jersey." And he takes a bite of sandwich in a bit of a temper! It seems that a breaking point has been reached.

[worthallthis]

"If this is too hard. You don't have to tell me. Now or any time." Just because they asked, doesn't mean the kid has to answer. They do glance at him sidelong as he chews angrily, and suggest, "Maybe you need a third name."

[arsarcanum]

Sora swallows and opens his mouth to answer that, but then freezes. Something isn't adding up, and it takes a second for him to realize what it is. It's something about how a third name is probably the right thing to do, but feels wrong, because names can be chosen, but names are also given, and he believed in that deeply at one point.

"I know it was a while back, but." Sora pauses, tries to dig up a memory. "Did I tell you that both Sora and Skyler feel right? Neither of them are wrong? I said that, right? Or was it someone else I told?" It seems important, or at least like the tail end of something he's missing. Like he's chasing something in the dark.

[worthallthis]

"You did say that. Though at the time you didn't say the names. It made sense then, and it makes sense now." It's not like at this point they have any and don't fucking want any, so it's not really a surprise that neither would Sora. They do understand, and now kind of regret the not-quite-joke, not-quite-serious-suggestion, given the look on Sora's face. "It was just a thought, kid. You don't need to have a third name any more than you need to explain anything to me. But whatever name you have, you're still you."

[arsarcanum]

Sora taps his fingertip against his plate a couple of times before shoving more sandwich into his mouth. Something's wrong but he doesn't really know how to put words to it.

But! Being told that he's still him somehow makes him feel better. Kairi told him to never change a long time ago, and that's either something that he's internalized or something he couldn't have helped regardless. This, surprisingly enough, simplifies a lot for him. "Thanks." Sora polishes off his first sandwich. He then puts his head down on the counter. "I can't believe it's still January. This is a lot."

He pauses, still face down on the counter. "I think I'm mostly Sora, but I still want you to call me kid because it's cool. Is that okay?"

[worthallthis]

"Yes." Did you really even need to ask that, Sora? Seriously. They'll call you whatever you want to be called, and never seriously question it unless you, personally, seem uncomfortable with the decision. Which was had had happened a minute ago, here. Then, out of a vague sense of curiosity, they ask, "What do you call me? In your head." Since they have no name, and even nameless weapons require things to refer to themselves in their head, Sora probably does, too.

[arsarcanum]

Sora still feels like he needs to ask! Less because he thinks the soldier will say no and more because he's been telling people more than one name for the past few weeks and he thinks that the soldier, at least, needs to know the one Sora considers the most correct at the moment.

Sora looks at the soldier, a little surprised, but then pauses to think about it, picking at the crust of his second sandwich and putting it in his mouth. "You're the soldier. The one I met on my first day, who showed me where the post office is. Like..." He swallows. "It's not capitalized, because you're not the only soldier I've ever met, and it's not like - a title, either. I don't know if it's even a name, to be honest." He puts his hands under his chin. "But we've spent a lot of time together now? I know how to pick you out from hundreds and hundreds of other soldiers. You're the soldier that teaches me how to use a knife and look at things carefully and cooks really well and keeps telling me that I'm okay the way I am. Not every soldier does that. Just you."

Sora thinks about it, then laughs at his own description. "So, no name except the one - Soldat - but that's for emergencies, or with people who need it. Your name is a feeling, I guess? A friend. I don't need a name to have a friend."

[worthallthis]

The Soldier nods thoughtfully. "That is a lot of words just for me." Given how much Sora thinks about himself, it's kind of interesting to know he thinks that much about other things, as well. Including murder machines. Weird feeling, but not bad. "Thanks. I was curious. I've never asked anyone that before."

In most cases, they haven't needed to. Crowley is very clear about it. Aziraphale would flap his hands about and complain about their choice if cover name. Ellever and Scarlett have their own nick-names for them and are clear about using them. Misty... they don't think they could handle whatever she might say. It'd probably make them cry or something.

[arsarcanum]

Sora sort of... grins nervously and laughs, embarrassed. "Is it? It doesn't feel like a lot to me. That's just... all the parts that I can get into words." He thinks about his friends a lot! He has never exaggerated about that. Granted he does kind of have to, given the whole keyblade thing, but it's just how he is, too, and it hasn't been a bad way to live. His friends are the most important thing to him, and treasuring them and trying to understand them is indeed how he takes up hard drive space. No upper level critical thinking skills other than that, to be honest.

Sora takes a bite and chews on it for a second. "Is that all okay? Like, do I have the right idea?" He swallows and clears his throat. "I think by now, both of us know that neither of us want to hurt each other, right? So, if I do have the wrong idea, you gotta tell me. I'm too dumb to figure it out by myself. I need people to tell me what to do or else I'll keep doing the same thing, thinking that I'm not hurting anyone." He pulls a wry smile. "I've been wrong about the right thing to do enough times to learn that. I have a lot of darkness. It gets to me. I get confused. It's fine."

[worthallthis]

"Nothing you said is incorrect." Or even unflattering, which is nice of him. "I wanted to know how you think of me. There is no wrong answer for what's in your own head." They're not really sure why they wanted to know. It's not like it matters, there was just a moment of curiosity. Now it's lingering a little, though. Curiosity as to what other people think, in their private thoughts, about them.

Maybe not enough to ask anybody else. But it's still there, and it's a kind of new feeling. Weird.

[arsarcanum]

Hmmmmmmmmmm. Sora will continue to think whatever he wants, then! Buuuut. He is now a bit curious as to why the soldier asked in the first place.

"Lots of people want to, you know... make an impression on other people. Some people get really worried about what other people think of them. They don't want other people to get the wrong idea. Or the right one." He adds that last part because Skyler is definitely that type. "I don't think that's why you were asking though. Was it?"

[worthallthis]

"I don't know. Don't think so. Never thought about it before." Or at least not since dying, maybe not for decades, since HYDRA. They're pretty sure HYDRA wiped the part of them that wondered what people thought about them right out of their head. All that mattered was obedience and subservience. The only impression they were allowed to give was either to terrify on command, or be blank and accepting.

Now they're curious. More programming is adjusting to their new life, perhaps.