logsinthenight | EVENT LOG: TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

EVENT LOG: TURN THE LIGHTS OFF

characters: everyone.
location: around town.
date/time: january 20-29.
content: the lanterns begin to malfunction.
warnings: body horror and psychological horror. please cw tags appropriately.

you'll become one

January 20th arrives the same as all the days before it. There's no great pulse of warning that throbs through the air, no ominous wind that causes the bonfire to shudder. The spirits are neither agitated nor do they hide. You could almost miss the change, if the lanterns weren't always by your side. There's no explanation that comes with the way that it's changed, but it's impossible not to worry when it's happened so suddenly.

Maybe it takes a few days, or maybe it only takes a few hours, but suddenly it isn't just the lanterns that have changed. You, yourself, have become somehow different. It's possible that you won't even have the right state of mind to wonder how long it will last. At the very least, it appears you aren't alone. All across Beacon, lanterns are changing, and changing the people with them.

Out in the distance, the lighthouse's beam has turned green.

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Sora looks at the soldier, thoughtfully, then looks up into the dark rafters of Miner's Castle #3, really thinking about it.

"Well... he cares about you? I mean, you guys have been together long enough, and you still want him around, so I think if he doesn't, he should probably start." He'll plop his chin right back down on the pillow. "Anyway, you were worried when he was gone, right? He's a good friend to you. People worry about their friends. And I worry about you, because I care about you, so I'll also care about the people who care about you. And so on, and so forth, until I got everyone covered."

Sora frowns. "I guess I'm kinda weird? It's really easy for me to care about people I don't know. Zombies. Monsters. Ghosts. Pirates." He'll look back at the soldier again. "By the way, that's totally not normal, and I am really really sure that there aren't a lot of people like me. If you get your heart back and it doesn't care about more than a few people, I think that's normal, actually."

There's a long pause while they huddle in their blanket, knees pulled up nearly to their chin themselves, staring at the floor. Sora is a different kind of good than Misty, they decide. Misty cares intensely about a few. The kid cares across many. They're both good. The Soldier-- Soldat-- doubts they could ever be that good.

But the last comment does take them a little by surprise. Shatters the train of thought into a few fragments of emotion. Finally they pull themselves together enough to say, "I already have. So many. Can hardly imagine more." They have an honestly embarrassing amount social riches. People they care about, people who claim to care about them, people they want to keep safe. The Asset could never even have imagined this. (No. You said it, pal. ... no.)

Sora smiles, eyes crinkling into dark half-moons. "I get that. People sometimes only have room in their hearts for two or three really, really important people. It's not bad! It's just as good as having a million, or twenty, or five, or one." Sora makes a face. "Just one would be kind of a waste, though. Caring is good. I've got enough to share. So I do! So hey, if you end up having a heart that cares a lot, maybe you'll work up to it. But for now, what you have is enough too."

Sora pulls up a blanket, tucking himself in. "Just don't be surprised if the list keeps growing. You're worth caring about, you know?"

Because having a number suddenly feels important, with all the numbers Sora just spouted, they try to count them all. Misty. Crowley. Aziraphale (most of the time). The kid, now. Scarlett, even if she's kind of avoiding them lately. Javert. Eleven. Ellever. Daylight. Rosinante. Mary. Bodhi. Xayah. The psychic cat thing, even if they're a little frightening, too. They're used to being afraid of everyone, anyway. Owl Friend.

"Fourteen," they come up with, feeling dazed by the number. "I went from none. Not allowed. To fourteen." And it's entirely possible they're missing some.

"Fourteen. Fourteen!" Sora crosses his arms and rests his head on top. "Look at you. I started out with like..." Sora frowns, then pops out a hand to count on his fingers. "Well, I - he, Sora - started with seven. Skyler... started with one." He puts his hand back under his elbow. "You're ahead of the curve, dude. Congratulations. If you're like me, you're gonna get so many more."

"Don't think I can handle more," they say, a bit weakly. "This is already so much." They kind of want to hide in their room and not come out for a week, at the moment. The only reason they're not yet is because moving is hard when wrapped in a blanket on the couch, and it would probably upset the kid.

It WOULD upset the kid, but only briefly. He's been around the block, he knows that the soldier sometimes needs time alone. At this stage of his life, he's trying not to take things too personally. It's working, most of the time!

"Then that's a good place to stop. This isn't a contest." He pauses. "There was a guy I knew - he knew - Lea, he was a Nobody who lost his heart and got it back later. I... don't know if he had many friends before, but after, he only really had room for four or five. He seemed pretty happy with that."

Four or five. The Soldier-- Soldat-- does remember when they thought having five people to care about was so many they didn't know what to do with them all. And now, somehow, the number just keeps growing. They shift so they can at least rest their face a little against the back of the couch. (Orders. No, Asset. No one has any orders right now. Orders.) It's not like they don't understand. There are times when orders are great. They still accept handlers for that express purpose.

But maybe that's not enough anymore. Jesus. That's an overwhelming thought, makes them push their face further into the cushion, hiding. "Do you think," they say, a little muffled by couch, "when this is done. The Asset will go away."

Edited 2020-01-22 19:18 (UTC)

... Where do you think you're going, soldier? Sora will peek over, mildly concerned, but pretty certain that the soldier isn't trying to suffocate themselves, at least. Their lantern seems fine, too. No, this is just.... being new, Sora concludes.

Sora thinks about their question for a second, shifting around until he finds his weird knit burrito from the gacha machine. He'll just use it as an extra blanket, for now.

"I don't know. Do you want it to go away?" He tilts his head from side to side. "Does it make it harder for you? I know it takes up a lot of space, and it's pretty annoying, but I have lots of friends who take up space and are pretty annoying." Beat. "Sometimes, I'm that friend." This is a joke.

They're just having emotional brain issues, it's fine. Change is hard, even when they didn't realize it was happening, and only just now noticed. (Yes. Figures you'd agree with that one, Asset. No. We gotta get you more vocabulary, pal. No.) Changing on purpose is one thing. Having half your rationale for living suddenly shaken is another.

They do roll their face back out enough to give Sora a one-eyed glare. "You are not that kind of friend." No putting yourself down in front of Soldat, kiddo.

Sora's statement does bring up the immediate and automatic response that no one can possibly be friends with a murder machine… except the words go unsaid, because Soldat has enough self-awareness going on right now to remember that they have been calling themselves a murder machine for months, now. And there are plenty of people who claim Soldat is their friend. (If you start thinking they're lying, I'm going to find some way to hit you. No. Yes, okay. Fine.)

Except that, too, is an overwhelming thought. Why is everything hard, today.

Hey! Sora is trying to be a comedian here, but the soldier has to be, like, kind and supportive and stuff? Sora's starting to see a pattern now, at least; he takes in a shuddery breath but does not shed tears this time. So, he gets sad when people say nice things about him and mean it. It has to be out of left field, too. That's a weird and new thing. He's not sure what to make of it.

Everything is kind of rough. Sora is 100% going to blame it on the lanterns, except for the randomly crying bit, which apparently is a problem that popped in out of nowhere and has been going on for weeks now, but he'll think about that later. Tears have never hurt him before.

"I'm not the Asset, at least?" There, a compromise. "Is it something you want to deal with, though? Does it know how to like... share? Can it learn?"

Weird things make the Soldier-- Soldat-- cry, too. They get it. Usually it's people telling them they're okay and don't have to change, which seems like a really dumb reason to find themselves weeping. But it keeps happening. There's no judgment here, kid.

"I. Don't know." They re-bury their face. Logic says that in any other situation, the Asset could absolutely learn. The Soldier did. Soldat did. Must have, if seeing the Asset at its blank worst can make them feel sick, after so many months of being told they have worth, of being allowed to express emotions and forge relationships. But the Asset now, they know, is just a piece of the whole, something taking up space in their head. Can the pieces learn? They come up with the muffled final answer: "Maybe."

They'll both be extremely weird together, then. Maybe there's a happy medium!

Sora leans back and thinks about it. "I... don't know if the Asset will go away. What I do know is that if it does end up learning how to make friends, and think for itself, and be sad and happy and stuff... If it were me, I don't think I'd want it to go. Even if it was hurting me, or taking up too much room." He tilts his head. "Anything can grow a heart. That's how it was in my - Sora's - world, anyway. It just needs to learn how to care about others. Maybe that's why I get caught up in trying to be friends with everyone? I want to know what kind of person there is in there. I want to meet them."

"But if it's hurting you..." Sora thinks about it. "I don't know. People like the sergeant and the Asset can fade in my world? If no one remembers them, and their hearts are gone, then they do disappear. They need someone else to remember who they were to continue to exist."

Can voices inside someone else's head grow their own hearts? (That sounds like it'd make things even more crowded in here.) Soldat doesn't even want to think about that. Their head feels so full.

Which is probably why they're dumping all this shit on the kid, just because it's overflowing their own brain. Poor Sora.

"Never going to forget," they say, still muffled. "Not if I can help it." They're... them, after all. Part of their past, and now part of their present. They don't want to forget anything ever again. Maybe that's one reason the past few days disturbed them so badly: each shard, each voice that got out and took over, forgot everything. None of them knew Beacon. None of them knew their friends.

Soldat suddenly uncurls and pushes to their feet, shuffling to the kitchen with the blanket wrapped around their shoulders, still.

In Sora's universe, he is an extremely odd case of someone whose voices got out, nabbed hearts, then got dragged back in kicking and screaming. They got better!

In any case, talking about this stuff is probably less of a problem than the soldier thinks it is? Sora has a tendency to want to listen to what bothers other people and not let the darkness of it all get to him for very long, even if he is kind of sensitive. He's been doing it since he was young! After all, he always does what Riku tells him, even if he fumbles on the way.

Sora thinks about what they just said - well, looks like the Asset gets to live, for now - but lifts his head when the soldier suddenly stands up and leaves. The kitchen? What are they doing? "Feeling better? Need a hand?"

"Need to write something."

They pull a pencil from one of their knife sheaths-- yes, they keep pencils on their person, just in case-- and write on a sheet of paper taped on the fridge. The paper contains Aziraphale's list of New Year's Resolutions, plus two written in Soldat's hand underneath them. Now there's a third.

Regain more good memories.
Stop shut-down.
Never forget again.

They consider the list. They don't know if they can manage the second two. But they're going to fucking try.

Sora considers leaving the soldier to it, but curiosity gets the better of him and whatever they're doing seems to be something that would have been visible anyway. He gets up too, wrapping his burrito around his shoulders, and pads into the kitchen after them, catching up and looking at the list, reading it slowly.

"'New Year's Resolutions.' So... Those are Aziraphale's and those are yours." Sora looks back to the soldier. "How do you think you're doing so far?"

Soldat shrugs listlessly. "Not great." Sora himself saw a shut-down, so that's still happening. They still haven't worked out how to get memories back without Aziraphale's help, or the shit that Beacon does doing it, for them. And already they had a two-day episode of forgetting.

What can they do if it happens again? There has to be something. Some way to keep track even if Beacon's shit takes it away again. (Write it down? … maybe. That sounds like a lot of writing. What else are you gonna do? Add a third patrol back on? Awaiting orders.) They have a point. If they're interpreting the Asset correctly, anyway.

Sora looks at the list, thinking for a second. "It's still January. It's only three things. Less than a twelfth of the year's over. That's enough time."

He looks up at the soldier, then back at the list. "'You haven't failed if you keep trying.' That's what my swim coach said. Skyler's swim coach." He shrugs. "Skyler didn't believe him. I do. I think we both agree Skyler's not the best role model here."

"Uh, no. Not the best role model." That wouldn't be quite as bad as aspiring to be like the Asset, but it wouldn't be great, either. Soldat gazes at the list a moment more, then puts the pencil away again. Time for their first stress-response fallback. They're even in the kitchen.

"When's the last time you ate."

"Uuuuh." He thinks back. "I think I ate half a sleeve of crackers I found in here? That was an hour ago." Beat. "Also, if I wasn't supposed to eat the crackers, sorry!"

He was more bored than hungry, but there really isn't much left to do if he's stuck inside so his evil reincarnation doesn't try anything funny with someone he likes.

"How about you?"

They'd gotten a few bites in at Misty's. They're pretty sure. But beyond that.... "No idea."

Looks like it's lunch time. Or dinner time. Or snack time. Whatever. They start poking around in the fridge for what they can make. "Don't worry about the crackers," they add absently. Plenty of veggies, some chicken, olive oil. They need to actively cook for it to help calm them down. So stir-fry it is.

Sora watches as they pick out ingredients... Something's going to get fried, at least. "Let's eat then." No worries. Zero percent worried about the crackers.

He's going to poke around in the cabinets, actually? Just trying to see if there's anything he can prepare too. As it turns out, Aziraphale's got a bag of rice in the pantry that Sora hadn't noticed before, but Sora hasn't seen a rice cooker in Beacon at all. Do they use a pot to make it? Sora's not sure if he can make rice without a rice cooker or a caldero, so he'll just save that info and start rooting around in their cabinet to see if they have a pot close to the latter.

"I know Misty taught you how to cook. Do you know how many recipes you've learned so far?"

"Misty. And Mrs. Maisel. And Aziraphale, a little. He's useless with most foods, but he can bake." Their cookie recipes come from him. "Biscuist", in the British. They spread things out on the counter and start neatly chopping, withdrawing a knife from one of their many hidden sheaths to do so. They pause to start at it briefly, remembering suddenly that they left the last knife they chopped with... at Misty's.... They're going to have to face her soon. Check on her hand and. Apologize.

Ugh.

(Focus on the food prep, Soldat. And the question.. Right.) They start chopping again, rapidly and efficiently. "I have twenty-eight base recipes. Several variations experimented with from the bases." There are a handful of pots, if any of them would work. Just boiling the rice would probably be good enough.

Sora doesn't want to have to resort to that - look, calderos are creatures of their own, their rice cooking habits need to be internalized - but he'll sigh and finally grab a pot that looks close enough, shuttling it over to the sink.

All good names, all names he knows. He thinks about them as he goes back to the pantry to grab the rice. Good friends surrounding the soldier with support. It's still boggling that they were going around without a heart at all. Completely unbelievable, in Sora's opinion.

(He's going to have to get Aziraphale to help him bake. Skyler was a passable cook, but the most he had to do with the oven was make sure Ari didn't burn herself on it. Sugar cookies for Christmas was about the extent of his talents on that front; the rest were box mixes. Not enough experience to make the recipes the little chef from Sora's memories had walked him through.)

Sora makes a low whistle. Somehow, he's not surprised that they both remember them and their variations, but it's still pretty impressive that they've gotten this far in just a few months. "I feel like nine out of ten times we hang out, you end up cooking. You must like it a lot."

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