( it feels more than a little emotionally manipulative, to ask someone to take a known liability out on patrols that can very well prove dangerous. to look away from a weakness that isn't fair to risk them both with. he's more than aware that back home, this wouldn't be a conversation. he'd just go off into the dark headstrong, not ignorant of the danger but simply uncaring of it. even if he had someone willing to take the risk, he wouldn't have taken it. he'd have rather been alone.
he doesn't actually want to wander this bleak black place alone. he knows it's a risk to bring him along. Matt knows himself too well that he can't do the decent thing and stay back. asking for someone he trusts to take the risk is hard. but maybe it's better than going out on his own, knowing the potential consequences. knowing the people he could hurt if he never comes back.
Matt doesn't take off his sunglasses often, but as the worst of the weakness fades, he takes them off to grimly rub his forehead. his eyes stare out at nothing and it's almost easier that he doesn't have to look Javert to confess, )
I'd feel better if we stick together. ( Matt hates admitting he's ever incapable, that he can't do something on his own. hates to actually need someone, because what happens when they aren't there? but it's the truth, so he says it. even if it hangs heavy in the air. hangs like a confession, a sin that rattles around in his chest like a poison. why is it that something as simple as knowing he needs someone else stings like dropping into ice water?
(maybe because he's needed people before, and they weren't there.) )
no subject
he doesn't actually want to wander this bleak black place alone. he knows it's a risk to bring him along. Matt knows himself too well that he can't do the decent thing and stay back. asking for someone he trusts to take the risk is hard. but maybe it's better than going out on his own, knowing the potential consequences. knowing the people he could hurt if he never comes back.
Matt doesn't take off his sunglasses often, but as the worst of the weakness fades, he takes them off to grimly rub his forehead. his eyes stare out at nothing and it's almost easier that he doesn't have to look Javert to confess, )
I'd feel better if we stick together. ( Matt hates admitting he's ever incapable, that he can't do something on his own. hates to actually need someone, because what happens when they aren't there? but it's the truth, so he says it. even if it hangs heavy in the air. hangs like a confession, a sin that rattles around in his chest like a poison. why is it that something as simple as knowing he needs someone else stings like dropping into ice water?
(maybe because he's needed people before, and they weren't there.) )